Tuesday, May 26, 2009

My calves hurt

But I'm still smiling. I went backpacking with my son and a couple of his boy scout friends this weekend. It was a super easy hike. We actually were closer to my house than we were to the parking lot where we met the other kids and adults. We walked in a couple miles and set up camp. Spent the weekend in the fog for the most part. My son is working on his camping merit badge so he had to do all the cooking. That was cool. But what was really cool was he said he would only go on the camp out if I went with him. Its cool to still be wanted.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Anticipation, Part 4

This is going to be short. I'm pissed, hurt, angry, shutting down. Needless to say there is more to say.

I guess perception is a matter of perspective. Or maybe its just hormones.


So, the sound of summer starting came over the weekend. A low rumble that built and built and built. It sounds like a flock of Harley Davidsons coming up the hill. That low throaty rumble. Then you can see it, coming straight at you

Every year just before Memorial Day a couple of WWII bombers come here for their annual visit. Because of where the house is, they fly over a couple times a day, for about a week. I'm kind of an airplane geek. So, this is pretty cool. On Sunday one of the planes flew over just a couple hundred feet up. The sound of the engines was pretty cool. I can't imagine what a hundred of these things flying in formation would sound like. Oh, and this year there is an added attraction. A P-51. They love to fly it over the house too. Pretty cool way to start summer

Friday, May 15, 2009

Anticipation, Part 3

We had a bet about what the man would say. She wasn't optimistic, I thought he'd just ask for time to absorb it all. He had started seeing someone, but it didn't sound all that serious.

Well, he called to tell her he'd pick her up at the airport after the trip so they could talk. We sat together on the plane. We talked. We parted ways when we landed. She thought it would be awkward to have to explain me to the man. He knows about the past, but he didn't know we were together on this trip. As I was walking out past security I saw a man. I was sure it was "the" man. He was standing, holding the security rope, leaning forward, almost on his toes. He looked like he was so excited to be meeting her. I was convinced he would say yes, lets get married tonight.

I got in my car and drove home thinking about her, and the man. What it would be between her and I. I know it would change the relationship we have. I knew she would want to really get into life with the man. I was torn. Not big torn. I knew I couldn't do the things for her that she needs, and I want her to be happy. But I started missing her. It was an interesting ride home.

I got the call in the morning. It was not the man. The man was outside baggage, circling in his truck. The man said no. He said too much time had passed. He still loved her. But not in that way. They could be friends. He knows all of her family. He was her dad's friend, that's how they met.

When she got to the office I went down and gave her a big hug. She had been crying. She needed to know about the man, and now she did. She felt better, and she felt worse. We spent a lot of time talking. She's OK. Kind of. I'm OK. Kind of. It was a big week. For both of us.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Anticipation, Part 2

We had a great dinner, the rest of the stuff we can talk about one on one.

About the guy, the man, the nice man. He drove her to the airport. And along the way, she kind of, sort of, maybe, asked him to marry her. She does love him, I don't think she's in love with him. And he loves her. But before, when they were dating they both got to a spot where they weren't "into each other". I don't know him. But I suspect he spent too much time reading into her, and not enough time just listening. It was interesting. Just normal stuff I think. So, after her dad got sick she has been reevaluating things. And she just didn't want to waste any more time. I get that. So, she thought it was time to find out. So she did, she asked him.

We had a great talk, about stuff, about him, about her, about me. It was really nice to spend that time talking.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

My Son is 13

A teenager. Let me say that again, a teenager. I next really thought about getting here, having a teenage son. To his credit he's doing really well. He has a good head on his shoulders, he has good friends. Good habits. Well, except the electronics. I know that's a huge hole some kids fall into. It is his monkey, like the internet is mine. Now, about the birthday. And birthday presents. And my wife. And the lack of cooperation. My wife decided on his present this year without even mentioning it to me. And, from what I can gather, without talking to him either. He had his heart set on getting an iPhone. Yes, I know that's quite a gadget. And even if its out of reach it was worth discussing. But that's not the way it works. About a week or so back I asked him what he wanted for his birthday, and of course he said he wanted an iPhone. So, I said I would talk it over with his mom. That was when he told me mom had already picked out his present. The first I heard about it. She was planning on getting him fencing stuff. I asked if that's what he wanted and I got the shoulder shrug, yea, it ok. Not over the top entheusiasm. But he really wanted me to talk to her about the iPhone. The next day he has his fencing lesson and I get a paniced call that mom is ordering the stuff, but he really wants the iPhone and did I talk to mom. I get a text off to her telling her about the iPhone and wanting to talk to her. I get a "thanks for the info" text back. When they get back I wait until we're alone and ask if we can talk about the present. I get a totally different story. In her version he really wants the fencing stuff. But when I press I learn that she has ruled out the iPhone. On her own. Well that doesn't sit so well with me. But one thing about my wife, don't ever challenge her, she goes nuclear. And this is no different. Over the course of the next week it was out and out warfare about this damned iPhone. And since she refused to talk about it, I decided to take some unilateral action of my own. I took my son to the phone store to get him an iPhone.
My son has a very practical phone right now. So we went in to look at the upgrade options. Now, this shocked me, but it costs twiced as much to upgrade early as it would to upgrade when his contract expires. This is not logical to me. Why should it cost extra if we're willing to enter into a new agreement. So, the other option is to cancel the old phone and start over from scratch. But it turns out there is. $200 cancellation fee. So, no matter how was look at it there is no way to upgrade his phone until October. Yes he was a little dissapointed, but he accepted a signed IOU for an iPhone payable in October.
But even discussing that with my wife was a battle. And she wonders why I feel she doesn't respect me. She just avoids anything that she might have to yield on. In hind sight, I don't know if she's ever really yielded on anything. She just gets nasty until she gets her way. It was interesting hearing that observation from my son. He avoids her since he is convinced of what her reaction will be. That is a dangerous precident. He has already written her off. He doesn't talk to her. And now he's a teenager. The wrong time to have communication issues with your parents. I need to engage with him even more now than ever. I don't remember my teen years being as complicated as teens have it today. There is a lot of growing up to do. And a lot of places where it can go awry. I just hope he keeps talking to me.


Once more heading out on a business trip to Denver. Once more going to try to meet a friend for dinner. But this time there is much less anticipation. I think that's good. Unlike the past, I am meeting CE for dinner. For those of you who need refreshing CE and I had a thing a few years ago. It was a great thing. It still is a great thing. Its just a different thing. There is a lot going on in her life right now. I doubt the needs the complication of another thing. During the three years between our thing, and last year when we reconnected she was seeing a man. A nice man, but not "the" man. One things she admits to is rapidly acting when she knows something isn't working. After dating this man for a while she realized he wasn't "the" man. She cut it off, and the next day ran into me at work. But the man is a friend of her father's. And now that he father is dying, the man is around again. The man drove CE to the airport this morning. They had a talk. I didn't press CE about the content of the talk, but I know it will come up over dinner.
I don't think I'm jealous of the man. It doesn't sound like the man is bad for CE, it just sounds like he's not right for her. But then, who am I to talk? I'm not right for her either.
I'm looking forward to seeing her tonight in a relaxed setting. No expectations. Desire, yes, but after this much time I have learned about expecting things from her. I would stand to learn that about other friends. Maybe that's the other thing about this trip. I'm just going. Sometime in the past there was far more anxiety about travelling. I would mull and muse and build such expectations that disappointment was inevitable. So, I disappointed myself over and over. Its better on this trip. We'll see if I'm still fooling myself.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Another Hallmark Holiday

Mother's day is a mixed blessing. I have one of the top mom's in the world. And she had an extraordinary mom herself. My wife's mom struggled in a really crappy situation to do the right thing. My wife loved her. I loved her. She's gone. My wife struggles. She's not Mrs. Cleaver, or Mrs. Brady. She's herself. And she carries with her the history she has. She's not a bad mom. Well, yea, she is a bad mom. At times. I think its fair to say all mom's have ups and downs. She tries. But I think the fact that she is so closed to input makes it a bit harder to excuse. She doesn't understand our son. She doesn't get guys. She's really hard on him. She's not good at dealing with fact that my daughter is trying to be just like him, in a lot of ways. My daughter has a lot of guy behaviours. She sees her big brother as a role model, as competition. She is a strong strong little girl. She will do really well in life. She is full of confidence. And defiance. My wife doesn't do defiance well. That's not how she was brought up. Defiance usually let to something being thrown at you. Or a lot of yelling. It left a mark. Its like a dog that's been beaten. All sounds startle them. Everything can be perceived as a threat. Attacking is always the first option when running away is impossible. That's kind of how my wife handles the kids. It can be a struggle for everyone. I know I have to support her. It is not right for the kids to think that it is the three of us against her. But I can't let the kids think they're on their own. We find that space where its tolerable. Over time I'm running out of responses when one of the kids comes up to me as I walk in after work and tells me that mom is in a terrible mood. Or that she's mad at everyone. Its not every day, its not every week. But it happens far more often than it should. And it takes longer and longer for the kids to recover. We try to honor her on Mother's day. We do honor her on Mother's day. She really is a good person. She just has this blind spot.

This year I bought books for the kids to give her on Mother's day. Books about mothers and daughters, and mothers and sons. I got her a book about mothers. A picture book. On Mother's day my family is gathering here at my mom's house for brunch. My wife made an appointment to go to a spa. She said it wasn't that she didn't like my mom, but she wanted to do something for herself. My mom understand. I understand. But I suspect we understand different things. Mother's day is always hard. Sometimes I wish we could do away with these holidays.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Scott's Toes

Last month we all went down to Pinnacles park for boy scouts and family camping. Once again we did the 10 round the rim hike. 5 miles to the top, then 5 miles back down. It was glorious, and I really didn't think I had a "shoe issue". But as we started down, I noticed every time I took a step my feet seemed to slide forward and my toes would hit the end of my shoes. After a mile or so it started getting really annoying, and a mile after that it got downright painful. When I got my shoes off, the nail on each middle tow was black. And over the course of the next couple weeks, they pretty much fell off.

So, fast forward to last night. Sailing. Racing. It was blowing, raining. And as I was running from one end of the boat to the other, I kicked a deck fitting. Yes, it hurt like hell. Yes, we were racing. No time to stop. When I got my boot off after the race, yea, pretty sure its broken. All purple and swollen from the last knuckle to the end. Yea, one of the middle toes with no nail. Yea, it still hurts. But there isn't much to do, maybe tape it to the next toe over. I just hope I'm done with this nonsense.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

It is about Attitude

So, I don't know why, and I frankly don't care, but I'm feeling really good lately. I've made a couple new friends online. Had a great day on the boat. Sat and watched old Disney movies with my daughter. Maybe its all of the above. CE has been dealing with her dad, terminal cancer. She's been watching him pretty much 24/7. I worry about her. I know others here who are struggling through that. My heart goes out to them. Maybe I feel lucky that I'm here, and I don't have to deal with that now myself. It is hard to see that tearing at my friends

Monday, April 27, 2009

So, its good

I'm sitting here with a glass of single malt letting the world wind down. Little one A is off at scouts, little one B is watching TV. All is quiet and good. I hope you all have that Zen space right now

Friday, April 24, 2009

Scott's Online Adventures

So, I haven't been blogging for a while. And I'll admit I haven't been here as often as I should. I appologise for not being more attentive to my online friends. But, in my own defense, I have been trying to IM when I can so you all know I'm still around.

Real life hasn't changed much. I was travelling like nuts, but that has calmed down a bit. Home is the same. Sailing season starts tonight. So, I'm stoked about that.

Online a friend sent me an invite to a site called MyDailyFlog. Its a photo blog site. Well, that's what it's advertised as. It is hilarious. Well, sad actually. After I signed up I got hit on by every scammer on the face of the planet. Every woman there has moved to Africa for this emergency or that. Or they need money for food. Or they need money because their aunt got evicted. They all want good God fearing husbands. They all say they are from the US, but not one of them speaks anything close to English. Its just wild. The sheer amusment factor of these people thinking they are putting this over on anyone. But then, the really sad part is that there probably are a few people dumb enough to fall for it.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Boys and Girls

So, one of my online friends got curious the other day if I'd ever cheated. Yes, I have. I don't think that's a secret. She wanted to know more, so I told her more. It brought back some great memories. Is that normal?

It was one of the hardest times in my life. And I don't know if it shows a real lack of moral foundation to say that it was one of the best experiences of my life. Shouldn't I be ashamed of it? Why am I still trying to be with her? And reflecting back on how wonderful it was.

This just sounds odd to me today. I was in her office today. Her dad is sick. I gave her a hug. I wanted to kiss her. I tried to kiss her. She gave me that look. "You're married, and I'm not going to do that". I understand that.

But I still need something. I'll figure it out. Eventually.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Con-f*cker Virus

So, this is the first time I can say my home computer got infected. Conficker, or Comficker, or whatever. And its pissing me off. I'm thinking of just trashing it and getting a Mac

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Zen Again

I do my best writing after great disappointments.

What I learn, over and over, is that disappointment stems from expectations, not from outcomes. It isn't what happens that matters, it is that what you wanted to happen didn't. And the cruel thing about that is that the reality of the situation is lost in the expectation. In the disappointment.

Now that does not mean we shouldn't have expectations. Great expectations. But rather that we need to strive for expectations, not expect them. As goals, or desires, expectations are good. But they have to be inward focused, not outward. We need to expect great things of ourselves, not of others. If we have expectations of other we will surely be disappointed. Because we don't necessarily share our expectations. And without shared expectations, we can't assure mutually satisfying outcomes. One person's disappointment is another person's business as usual.

They say in Zen that the best outcome is the one that was meant to be. Not the one we desire. Our job is not to work outwardly to an outcome, but to work inward to prepare ourselves for the outcome that was meant to be.

Acceptance, not control.

I learn this lesson over and over.

Don't Fall in Love with Ideas

I have to get this tattooed on my arm or something.

I do this to myself all the time. I create an end state, and fall in love with it. I forget that the journey is more important that the end state.

And when the end state isn't met, I get all pissy. I need to get back to my Zen state. Its about the journey, not the destination.

Monday, April 6, 2009

OK, still travelling

But this should be the last one for a while. I owe you guys an update, and I owe myself a break

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Yes, I'm Alive

This is week three of my hell month. A week in Maryland, followed by a week in New Orleans (could have been more fun if I didn't have a bunch of work folks in tow). Now a week of interviews of engineers for a development program, and next week another week of interviews, but in Denver.

I'm getting way tired of this stuff.

Monday, March 30, 2009

"Hard Hats Required"

That was the sign at the gate when we were at the beginning of the remodel. I worked up there on the weekend when no one else was around. But I always kept my hat on.

This was the pic on facebook that I think caused the stir.

What's in a Picture

So, a few of you know me on Facebook too. I put a few of the "other" pics up there. I'll admit it, I was bored, and feeling boring, so I just felt like doing something.

Now I was careful to set the pic properties for Friends Only. Not Friends of Friends, or Everyone. Just friends. And there is one Friend on my facebook list that is different than the rest. Or should I say she was a friend on facebook.

I don't know if it was shock, or what. But when she fired up facebook on Saturday those pics were on her home page. I figure they were on everyone's homepage. But this particular friend wasn't ammused. So, she removed our friends status. Concerned that the next time she logs on she will have her daughter looking over her shoulder, and she didn't want to have to explain how she knows me. Or what the heck is going on.

When I got to work I messaged her, and she responded about the pics. And that she removed me as a friend because she didn't want to have to worry about prying eyes.

This particular friend and I have a lot of history together. And her kids are aware of that history. I don't know that they recognise me from the facebook thing, or if I'm just one of her friends. But she didn't want to have to deal with that. I understand. But she asked why I put them up. I said I was boring, and that I wanted to shake myself up, which is true, to the best of my ability to figure out. Well, she thinks that's shit. Actually, she said crap. Maybe. I don't think so. She does.

I don't think we share perspective. But I'm not feeling like I have to appologies. And that is a big improvement for me. And she doesn't feel like she has to have her way about this. And that's a big improvement too.

Before I put the pics up I knew I would take them down sooner rather than later. They served their purpose for me, they shook me up. Not I can find something else to shake me up.


I feel like pooh. I know what's going on and there is not a whole lot I can do about it. Every now and then my sinuses take control of the rest of the equipment. And what really sucks, it all happens before I get any symptoms that there is a problem. Bugs seem to take up residence in one of my sinuses and before I even feel it there is a raging infection up there. Now, here's the killer part. I can kill the infection, but all the junk up there has to go somewhere. And that's usually down the back of my throat. Next stop, tonsilitis, and bronchitis. I just have to tough this out.

And, I need to start writing again. I think I'm getting boring

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Dirty Thoughts

So, I'm in a good space right now. I can tell because I'm having dirty thoughts. It is interesting how being in a bad space takes the wind out of my sails, and being in a good space makes me horny. I've been playing with my cam phone from time to time. I hope those who receive those gifts smile. It makes me smile to send the pics. I know its a little odd, but if I don't feed the naughty beast I wind up feeling trapped and that takes me in the wrong direction.

I'm not over the top I don't think. I know some would not approve. But hey, fuck 'em if they don't like it.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Bourbon Street

A little hammered

So, how can you be in New Orleans and not go down Bourbon St? For those who haven't seen it, these days its a 50:50 mix of bars and strip clubs. Walking down the street around the barkers and girls in the door ways is fun. I tried to get a pic of the girl in front of "Stillettos" for the shoe porn, but she didn't want her picture taken, even her shoes. Needless to say I didn't go into that club, the nerve of some people.

I did go listen to some blues. I love the blues. Got a bit hammered, but made it back to the hotel in one piece. Smiling. Would have been more fun with company, but it was great to be out on the town.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

What's a boy to do

So, I haven't been writing every day. Been thinking. I need to get back to it. I promise, tonight.

Is this a place where I can start posting naughty pics again?

Friday, March 20, 2009


Got the call. Biopsy is back. Its benein. But it could have been cancer. Pre-cancerous.
A friend of mine died last week of cancer. Pancreatic cancer. Gone in six months. I lost Wendy to leukemia.

There are two lessons here. Lesson one, take care of yourself. It won't guarentee you'll live longer, but it will give you a head start. And the second lesson, don't wait to love your life. Don't wait to live your life. Don't wait to enjoy your life. Now, I am not going to get into a philosophical discussion about this being the only life you get or what you have to do to achieve nervana, or eternal salvation. I'm just saying this life is too precious to waste.

Last night I had dinner with the HR lady. She lives out on this coast now. I've always had an interest in her. She's young, smart, pretty. But I know it is a completely rediculous idea. Nice fantasty, but impractical and dangerous. She doesn't have a thing for me, but she does like me. Last night over dinner we talked business and a bit of personal stuff. I probably over shared. And this morning I was kicking myself about it. But you know, I didn't hit on her, or treat her disrespectfully, I just responded when she commented about my wife doing OK in the aspects of her life.

I have to admit, that statement hit a nerve. My wife has a good job. She works hard. She didn't get there on her own. My wife has great kids. At times they are great kids in spite of her. My wife lives in a great house. More house than we could afford if we'd done it like everyone else does it. And my wife has a great husband. Job aside, she takes it all for granted, and people on the outside have no clue what is behind the curtain.

We talked about sailing. I took the HR lady racing one Friday night. She didn't know that I didn't get out sailing on the weekends because I was so busy. Her parting suggestion was to start sailing more, and she's right.

I know we stuff too much stuff into the bag. I know my wife worries about appearances. But at times like this it would be good to stop and take stock. Do the kids need to be as active as we are? When do they get to be kids? When do I get to be a kid? When do any of you get to be kids? Or do you even want to be kids?

At some point we all have to go. That is fact. I hope no one gets there with regrets. I know that's a false hope. We will all have regrets. Big regrets, and small regrets. But we also get to be fulfilled. In small ways, in big ways. Its like a balance sheet of things tried, and things not tried. Things done, and things left undone.

My balance sheet is pretty darned good. I feel pretty good about the things I've done, the accomplishments, the experiences, all the people who I've touched, and who have touched me. I know some of my blogs get pretty whiney at times. But that's just me looking at the wrong side of the balance sheet.

A bit of reflection serves me good. I'm still healthy, and I intend to stay that way. I have experienced some wonderful things. Suffered some heart breaks. I've kissed a pretty girl. I know the love of my children. I have found that part of my life fulfilling, and I have lots more to experience. I have some of the coolest and bestest friends. I have known love. I guess the point of this trip through this life is to leave a better space behind when your done. And I feel like I have a real good head start on that.

Save the Smallest for Last

So, last leg. Oh so close. The big guy is reading my blog, and he's messing with me.

Everyone is on the plane, door closes, we push back, and we sit there.

"There's this little warning light on in the cockpit"

I swear, its a sick joke. They're on the radio with maintenance. Give them 5 minutes. So we sit 5 minutes. And guess what, engines start and off we go. Looks like we're running out of time to mess up this leg. (I know, don't jinx it)

Three for Three

Never, ever travel with me. I'm cursed.

Now I'm not going to blame the airlines or the TSA for everything. In fact the TSA has been pretty OK this time. Although I can not find anything in the press about why they bumped the level up to orange. Could be they just wanted to do more pat searches.

So far opn this trip I've flown three legs, no, wait, one of those legs turned into two legs, so I quess I've flown four now.

First leg was the medical thing. Second leg was the broken airplane leg. That turned into two legs when we diverted to Chicago. And now this leg.

Lucky me. I got to sit next to a four year old with a major issue. Might be ADD, might be something else. But one thing for sure, this kid was out of control. Now, mom was trying, but nothing was working. He was jumping, kicking, hitting. Ripping the magazines, putting the head phones apart. It has been a delightful three hours.

One leg left. I can't wait to find out what's in store for me.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Three Days

So, there was a good day at home, and a couple bad days at home. My son and wife have not been seeing eye to eye. My daughter siezed those moments to gang up on my son. That always adds to his anxt, and that always adds to my wife's anger. It is a vicious cycle.

My daughter is still carrying the little silver star I gave her.

I'll be heading home tomorrow.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Geeze-up Christ on a Crutch

So, just an up date.

My first leg from San Francisco to Denver was full of excitement since we had a medical emergency onboard. So, maybe we'll set down in Salt Lake, no, we'll keep going. Priority approach to Denver. Exciting, but we get in.

Second leg, Denver to Baltimore. No, wait, Denver to Chicago. We can't land in Baltimore because the Instrument Landing System isn't working. So, as long as we can see the runway we're cool. Let's go to Chicago where they might have the part to fix the plane. Yup. Two hours later we can continue. So

Third leg, Chicago to Baltimore. Yes we made it, two hours late. Thank god the bar serves dinner, the resteraunt has closed.

God I love travel. (sorry for those in the industry, but this is happening way more often these days)

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Travelling Man

So, this morning I am at SFO starting the first of three trips I have to make over the next four weeks. I am not such a fan of business travel, but right now I don't have much choice. Last night my daughter was lamenting my departure and she told she wanted to keep something of mine with her while I was gone to remember me by. I have a silver star on a spare key rings, so I gave her that. She put it on the stand next to her bed last night. Leaving this morning was tough. My wife had that look while I was leaving. The "I don't like this, but I am powerless to do anything about it" look. I hope the kids have an OK time while I'm gone. I'll talk to them every night, at least once. Homework. My son will text me. We'll stay connected, just not as connected.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Baby Steps

I have not been feeling sexy lately. I know I've said this before, I go through phases, ups and downs. Not enough to think I'm manic or anything. I just respond to what is going on around me. Some days are goods, some days are gumbies.

So, I decided to do something for myself. All shaved again. Nice feeling, if you know what I mean.

*wink wink*

Friday, March 13, 2009

Today's Thoughts

I should start wearing long robes with hoods. I feel like a freakin' monk these days. I haven't been chatting, or playing. I haven't been nude hiking, or nude swimming. I've only been in the hot tub once or twice in a week. I think I've forgotten what it feels like to have any stimulation at all. This sucks. And now I'm off for a week in Bethesda Md, the next week I'm in New Orleans, then I'm home for a week, and then a week in Denver. If anyone is up for Steak and Blow Job day, let me know.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

All's well that "ends" well

I'm home and done. Not as terrible as advertised. I passed, but I'm not perfect. There was one little polyp. They say that's about what happens one in four new comers. Not a worry. Just that I'll go back in 8 years instead of 10. I can handle that. But being such a freakin' perfectionist I'm pissed that I didn't do perfect. Damn.

But on the upside I can get rid of this damned hair now.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Steak and Blow Job Day?

OK, I did not invent this. Go read Becomingkate's blog. So, in concept this is the man's equivolent of Valentine's Day. Celebrated one month later, March 14.

Let's examine this, shall we?

So, I read this to say that men have to be coerced into liking chocolate hearts and romance, and women have to be coerced into red meat and oral sex.

In my life I have run across very romantic men. And women who love oral sex. Now, it is also true I have run into men who are about as romantic as a dead stump, and women who are repulsed by the idea of putting "that" in their mouths.

I'm actually a pretty romantic guy. And at times I feel really guilty receiving oral sex. Maybe because I assume most women don't really enjoy it. I have recently learned that is not necessarily true. Some women really really enjoy it. And some are really really good at it. Extrapolating why I like performing oral sex, I can see why some women might enjoy being on the other end of the stick (so to speak). And, I know this sounds selfish, I have figured out that laying back and enjoying it is the best thing I can. It is hard for me to be selfish like that. But I'm learning.

ask me about steak some other time

Keeping my word

Still blogging, still doing OK.

So, for the faint hearted, stop reading now.

Tomorrow is my first butt-o-scope. It will happen to all of you. Today is the day to get ready for tomorrow. They say today will be the worst part. I screwed up and forgot I wasn't supposed to eat anything today. On my way into my office I grabbed a piece of red licorice. I sure hope they don't interpret that as cancer.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Another thing

So, how do you know if you're doing the right thing? How do you separate the rational part from the selfish part? How do you know that the stuff you're doing, or you want, is really the stuff you should be doing, or the stuff you should be wanting?

I am probably much more selfish than I'd like to think I am. I am probably more self absorded, self indulgent. I probably look through rose colored glasses. But doesn't everyone. Well, everyone but St. Teressa. And is that OK?

Do you think people stop from time to time to look around and ask whether other people see their reality the same way they see it? I ponder these things.

You know the song with the line "all I want is a little fun before I die". Is that an unreasonable request? Don't get me wrong. I have had a blast on this journey. At times. I have had the blessing to do some amazing things, and see some amazing stuff. But I'd like to go to a Jimmy Buffett concert and dance and sing. I'd like to look at bare boobs without feeling like I shouldn't be looking. I'd like to run naked through the sprinklers again. Or just be naked again. Do we spend so much time trying to avoid eternal damnation to just enjoy sitting in the sun nude? What does everything need to be so serious?

I spend way too much time being way too serious. I ponder things I probably don't need to ponder. But that's the way I am. But I enjoy my kinks. Everyone has kinks. And for some of us, its the kinks that make us interesting, or more interesting. Don't you think we should celebrate our kinks? Assuming its not like running with scissors, that is. Some things can be destructive, noted. But sometimes what we think is destructive is actually just unconventional. Is it wrong to push on tradition? Challenge what we believe? I love pushing, challenging. That's another kink. I hear stories of the great philosophers sitting in cafes chatting and challenging each other. It is possible to disagree and everyone can still win. I don't always have to be right, but I feel I have a right to an opinion. Why should that be so challenging to people? I know, we have lost the ability to have a civil disagreement about things. We have become so polarized that we can't have fun while discussing the things we disagree about. That is sad. There are folks I totally disagree with who I still call friend. I hope they call me friend as well. I know when I go to the poll that my vote will be cancelled by someone I know and like, but who disagrees with me. That's OK. All too frequently in recent years I feel bad I can't sit down and have a really good heated depate about some issue, and at the end, finish off a good bottle of wine, or scotch agreeing to disagree. I need that kind of engagement. It is fun, and educational. I don't always have to be right (but I usually am), but I'd like to think I'm always learning.

I'd like to think this is something I can pass to my kids. The love of learning. The love of depate. The love of disagreement. The love of engagement. One of the real pleasures of being a thinking being is the ability to think. I feel sorry for people who only parrot what they have heard. I feel sorry for people who don't think they have the right to think for themselves. There is so much cool stuff to ponder. Actually, pondering why we ponder is a good place to start.

Monday, March 9, 2009

I Promise

OK, so I'm back to blogging. I got a little distracted in the last couple months, and the loss of the old Journal Space still stings. But I need to get back to it. And I promise to do better (I'm really promising myself to do better).

So, what's new on my part of the planet? I like sleeping alone. Isn't that odd? I sleep better. I find I don't sweat or stress about the tension between my wife and I. I used to get in bed and feel the tension. I don't know. I feel it when she's going to bed and make a comment like "stay warm" when she's walking past. She has said repeatedly that I am welcome to return to the bedroom. And I know that. I have to remind her I choose to move out. Maybe that was my little step to gain some control over myself. It might be a small thing, but it is something I am choosing.

Spring time is coming up and that will be a time for new tensions. Every year for the past four or five years we have had people up for a wild flower hike. This year there will be a wild flower hike, but it will be tense. The woman my wife called out is always invited to the wild flower hike. So, we will get to an impass about what to do. I suspect I'll just schedule the hike when my wife isn't around. Or give her the option to be away. And that will cause a great stress. This will be a spot where she believes she gets to make the rules regardless of what is right. I think there is a high degree of pride as well as control at work here. It is hard for her to admit she was wrong. Heck, I don't even think she thinks she was wrong. But it is a microcosm of what's going on.

This isn't new. And I know I've seen it all along. I just have never figured out how to manage it, or myself when it comes to this stuff. Fear is a very strong motivator. And she knows that. Trouble it she doesn't see the lasting impact it has on me, or the kids. She was afraid of her father, I know she sees that in herself. But I don't think she sees the long term result of that. Last night as the kids were doing their chores she was getting impatient. My son was messing around. But he was in a really good mood, and just having fun. He was getting his chores done, but not on her time line. I looked for a way to difuse the situation without calling her out in front of the kids, but I couldn't. I finally just had to declare a time out. I told her to chill out, the boy was just having fun. He's a fun, happy kid, and that's OK. She doesn't need to ride him. Needless to say, her mood soured. She doesn't like being reined in. No one does. But she needs to be more self aware to avoid it. I need to be more self aware to help avoid it. The kids need to be kids. I think they need much more tolerance and understanding. They're good kids, and as long as they can be happy, I think that should come first.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Bare Assed

Figuratively speaking

It has dawned on me where we are going. What she wants, a romantic relationship, with me, on her terms.

My position, pick any two.

Its really that simple.

And fairness, I have the same choice. I have chosen on my terms now. And I have chosen to have a relationship, maybe romantic, maybe not romantic, but open. If its with her, or someone else is yet to be determined.

I see the conflict in her. Control is a drug. There is an addiction. And the withdrawls are terrible.

Monday, March 2, 2009

taking my pants off

OK, so that last blog sucked. No excuses.

How about if I just take my pants off and start running around bare assed. Would that be better?

a funk, and statistics

OK, so you know you're in a funk when you get pissed off by how they deal with statistics on the radio news. Really, doesn't that sound stupid? Buttttttt. We are in the middle of a drought here. They love to say we have had three years of less than "normal" rainfall. Noooooooo. We have had three years of less than AVERAGE rainfall. "Normal" rainfall is expect to vary from year to year. There is a single sided distribution of rainfall totals that defines what is "normal". This year we have about 80% of average. That is certainly "normal". Its like the headline in the London Times right after the war "50% of Children in Britan Receive Below Average Nutrition"


Saturday, February 28, 2009

and so on

OK, so I know I need to blog again. Stuff is backing up. But to be honest, I don't have a lot to say. But if I start blogging again I know stuff will work its way out. Nice day here. It will be raining by tomorrow so I'll enjoy today while I can. What's up with everyone else?

Thursday, February 26, 2009

an Update

It was pointed out to me that I have been MIA for a while now, and that is true. A couple things have contributed to that. First, I just don't feel as comfortable writing here as I did the old JS. I have no idea why that is. It is all the same, but if feels different. I really feel like I'm starting over, but I know that's not true. I had backed up everything up to about March of 2008, and have stuff that I wrote starting in June still around, so I didn't loose very much stuff when JS crashed. But still. The other thing, I feel like a hypocrite. Now that I know what my future is here, I should run for the hills as fast as I can. But there is something seductive about just ignoring how bad it is, and going back to pretending it will work out. I tried reconnecting with my wife. We even had sex. But the same thing happens, she believes that means I have forgiven everything, and she believes she has a green light to go back to the old ways, and then I put my foot down, and she says she's getting mixed messages. They are not mixed messages. They are mixed interpretations. She does not understand that I am not an asshole. She does not understand my situation. And she never will. I tell her, and I mean, that I would prefer reconsiliation. But not on her terms. On my terms this time. And she doesn't understand that either. She doesn't understand that I really do have the best interests of everyone in mind. She is so black and white that she figures loosing control means a change of course 180 degrees. She thinks I'm going to force her into things that are unacceptable to her. She doesn't understand partnering. Or me. But still, I don't want to give up everything here. I don't want to loose daily contact with the kids. But she has made it clear she won't just walk away. So, joint custody it is. Is that good enough? She is way too conservative now. She has joined a church that is way way too conservative for me. And she doesn't see it. She doesn't see that the focus on guilt and sin isn't healthy for the kids, or for her. I talk to the kids about it. And to her. She was raised a Lutheran and I think she is a bit fuzzy on the whole sin and guilt thing. It seems to blend into the background when you hear it all the time. But for the kids, 9 and 12, it seems wrong to me to focus on "their" sins. These children are not sinners. And yet every single Sunday they proclaim their faults without understanding what they are saying. Maybe I'm hyper sensitive. It just seems to send the wrong message. We've talked about changing churches, but the one she goes to has almost no kids, the church is failing, and she doesn't want to see that. That is her guilt. Being single handedly responsible for the failure of a church. That would send her to hell so fast. So, we talk, but don't make progress. Big surprise. I am torn because I know she would react today the exact same way she did last summer. I know I don't want to live under that cloud. But I also know leaving the kids to her is wrong. And I know a dirty nasty custody fight is wrong. And that is what she has promised. She now denies ever saying that the kids would be better off with me. She says she only said they need a father. Well, that's an interesting change of history. But expected. She has no sense of the past. She doesn't hold herself accountable for the things she does. And when I am nice to her, she assumes I have forgiven her too. But, I'm not a mean person. It isn't my nature to yell, or rant. But if I don't yell or rant there is no focus on the issues. That's why I feel I have to go. Maybe if I'm gone she will take this seriously. But, maybe not. Maybe if I go she will interpret it as abandoning her, and the kids. Maybe she'll see this as the ultimate betrayal. She only wants control. And all I want is a chance to be me.

So, I know I said I was leaving. I know that. I know I have a big rooting section. I know I have to do something. But I have cold feet. And I need a path. At times like this, it sucks being me.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Time to vent, time to think

So, I haven't blogged in a while. But things have been going on. I need to catch myself up on things.

We own a second house in a nearby town. The first house we bought (with the help of my grandparents, I might add). We refinanced it and have been renting it out since we moved up onto the hill. Its a little two and one. But it is empty now. With everything going on I made it clear I intended to move there. And to take the kids with me.

Needless to say that stirred on heck of a reaction. Maybe that's what was needed. She denies ever saying the kids would be better with me. I don't know if she's dominated by terror or anger or what. Starting last weekend we had knock down after knock down. It started when I got a text from a friend asking how I was. She was mortified that I allowed people "into the relationship" like that. That started a huge one about leading a secret life. It dawned on me that she believes that people in couples have no right to an individual identity. She told me that there will be no friends that aren't both of our friends. I told her that was unacceptable. Over the years I have made some great friends here and I am not about to give them up. And that the joint friend we had that she detonated on was now a single friend of mine, and that wasn't going to change. Not surprisingly she is still furious with me that I had an affair. But for the first time she reflected on how she set the stage for it. (she really doesn't get that whole thing) She really thinks we are a couple. But she thinks she gets to make all the couple rules. Well, not consciencely. It just happens that she knows everything about being a couple. Wow. That was interesting. She thinks she is supposed to give her kids an example of a healthy relationship. But she has no example to draw on. Her parents were whacked. Her sisters relationships are whacked. No wonder she doesn't know how to be part of a healthy relationship. So, we hacked through that. We hacked through Valentine's Day. Why I didn't get her a Valentine's Day card. What a lie it would have been if I had. What a lie I think it is that she got me one. We hacked through that Saturday night.

By Sunday we were exhausted. By Sunday she turned. I don't know why, I suspect it has to do with the fear of being alone. She does not what me to leave. But it remains to be see that there are any changes. She was sickly nice to me all day Sunday, and Monday. She wants to "nice" her way out of this. Last night I told her there had to be more than "nice" behind this. I am not going to stay hoping it stays "nice". She is too conservative for me. She is not light. She's hard on the kids, and me. All that has to change.

I haven't talked to her, but I am sure, 100% sure, that she thinks I have changed my mind about moving out. She thinks that by being "nice" she will talk me out of moving. I need more than "nice". This next two weeks will be hard. But I know I can't take "nice" anymore.

Friday, February 13, 2009

My Annual Valentines Day Posting

Believe it or not this is the third year I've posted this.

Valentines Day for the Broken Hearted

You know how some people get depressed at Christmas? Well, there are those of us who look at Valentine's Day as a chance for the world to remind us that our relationships suck.
But, I'm not going to take it this year. This year I took inventory. It is not about the relationships that suck. Its about the relationships that work. It is a day for Thanksgiving for those in your life that bring joy. In all of our lives there are relationships that are important because they work. Work at different levels, for different reasons. This is a day for me to reflect on the relationships that work.
I am thankful for my children. They are my Valentines. This morning I did my usual routine of waking both kids. My daughter is 7. She wakes up, and sits on my lap while she drinks the cup of warm milk I bring her ever day. She stretches, and I carry her to the bathroom. I then head down the hall and wake my my 10 year old son. I make sure he's starting to wake up by rubbing his back, tell him I am turning on the radio, and then do it. The volume is low, but it helps him wake up. We talk a minute or two, then I get him up, walk him to his bathroom, give him a hug, and a kiss, and then give him his cup of warm milk. I do this every day of the week. They are perfect. I hug each, kiss each, and then I can go to work.
I am thankful for my family. My three brothers, my sister, my mom, her husband, and yes, even my dad and his wife. I rarely see my dad, or his wife. But they are good people. My father's mother didn't do him any favors. He was a distant father. But because of that, I made a promise to myself not to be that way with my kids. I have been the primary care giver since they were born. And I can say the lessons my father taught me have served me well. I am thankful for that. I am thankful that Lance takes care of my mother. He is a great man. For those of you who don't know, Lance is younger than I am. My mother married a man the same age as her fourth child when she remarried. They are a perfect couple. Right now they are on vacation in Viet Nam. My mother could never have the experiences she is having without him. My mother is cool. I am thankful for her. And the relationship I have with her. She is a rock. I am thankful for my brothers, and my sister. We spend at least a week together as a family every year. I love being with them. I love that we can still connect and talk.
I am thankful for my friends. My real life, face to face friends. The ones I sail with. The ones who bring their kids to Cub Scouts, or Baseball. I am thankful for that. I am thankful for my friends online. I do not have a chance for much adult support at home, but I have come to appreciate the support my online friends have brought me. I love making friends, meeting people, talking, exchanging ideas, playing, having fun. My online friends are cool. I am thankful for that. Thankful for you all.
So, Happy Valentine's Day to all my Valentines. I am thankful for each and everyone of you.
Last night my wife came home and told me my daughter didn't want to sing a particular song in the chorus. She told my wife that the song reminded her of Wendy.
At a time of reflection of the value of friends, I am struck by the loss of friends as well. Loosing Wendy last year was a deep blow. One I have not recovered from. One that I don't fully understand. And one that I find harder and harder. Not only because of the loss of a good friend, but that it reminds me how isolated I am. So, at this time of reflection, and giving thanks for the relationships I have. I need to redouble my efforts to tell the people I love, that I love them, and to enjoy and strengthen the relationships I have.
And maybe that is the meaning of Valentine's Day.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

About Blogging

I need to get back to blogging. But I am having that dreaded blog block. I will get back to it, I swear.

And, on a side note, got a new Blackberry. Love it. Nice and sleek. And it has a camera. Ooh, goodness, the mind reels. Anyone up for a phone/pic/porn/sex?

Monday, February 2, 2009

Timing is everything

So, when we moved up onto the hill we kept our old house and started renting it out. This morning we got his 30 day notice that he's moving out. I guess there is a message there.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

I'm a big cry baby

I'm sorry for being such a drag. I'm just spending too much time confused these days. And now we have a house guest coming in on Wednesday so I need to move out of the spare room. I think I'll just sleep with my son for a couple days.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Heading south

So, after a brief flicker of hope we're heading south again. I gave her a chance to reconsile with my friend so we could start moving forward. Her idea of reconsiling was to get another pound of flesh. Needless to say, my friend has decided to withdraw. I totally get that. But it is so clear to me that my wife doesn't want to reconsile with me. It really is all about getting me back inside the box. And I'm not going.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

This is definately not Journal Space

Have you noticed how few folks come by here? I don't see any of my JS friends. Most days I don't get a single comment. I read everyone who is posting here, but it seems like that is only a small subset of the folks I used to read.

What's going on? Is the JS community dead now?

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Another reason I blog

So, I think it was Sunday night that she wanted to talk. But by the time the kids were in bed she was too tired. She did make one statement about being happy with her work life balance. It struck me that she is satisfied with the status quo. I know this was my intrepetation.

Yesterday morning I wrote her a blog, a letter. I spelled it out in black and white. It is interesting that because I've been blogging it was easy for me to get it out. I started writing and it came out. I spelled out where I was, where I perceived she was. And the fact that I was not satisfied with where we were. I made it clear that the first step in any reconsilitation would be to deal with the "friend" issue. I said she didn't have to appologise, but she did have to reconsile. I was not going to loose a friend of 18 years because of this.

When I got home she had obviously read the email. She was not happy. I left to take my son to boy scouts. When I got home, she was more thoughtful. But I needed a drink. She didn't want to talk. And I probably underestimated the strenght of this cask strength scotch, but I didn't really want to talk either. I slept alone last night. She had asked me back to the master bedroom. I said I was uncomfortable until we got some of this stuff sorted out. I had said that in the letter too.

This morning she said she was going to take the steps necessary to contact my friend and being the process of reconsiling. I don't know what that means to her, but it is a step she has never taken before. I don't know where its headed, but at least we are not dead in the water right now.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Ski Blog

OK, so I'm not exactly Jean Claude Killy (or however you spell it)

But I had a good time on the slopes

And, yes, I bought brand new sexy skiis. Good idea, even if they did get beat up a bit. God it was icy

Definately In Like

This is not a love story. It is, however, a like story.

I am definately in like. Friends who make me warm in the middle. Even friends who come and go, pass in the night. I am in like.

It is one of those things that gets me through. Gets me up in the morning and strengthens me during the day.

Hum. I wonder who's in like with me?

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Best Birthday Party I've Been To

Argh, I just wrote this great post, and this thing lost it instead of posting it.

So, back to what I said, second time is never as good.

Not even my birthday party. My step father bought a party at a charity auction at a local firehouse.

I totally get people wanting to be a fire fighter, or hanging out with them. Nine little girls (and my son made 10). Not only did they get to sit in the fire truck (and engine, and I know the difference now) but they took them around the block, lights and sirens and all. They let them shoot the hose at some cones, climb the ladder, go to the top of the training building. They invited the lady firefighters from the next station to come over. Then cake and something to drink.

And the party came with its own photographer, so pics will follow. It was great. The firefighters were really cool (and buff for all you girl readers). This was a birthday that will be long remembered.

In the shower

It is interesting how sometimes the whole stress things gets to me. I was showering, just pondering and thinking and all I could do was wash my hair, shave, and get out. I just need to keep going. There has going to be more than this.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Even a Pervert Needs a Little Love

So, in the last two days I’ve read two blog entries about need. Both written be women. Both written by friends. I could relate to both. But they had very different meanings to me.

I need to get laid. I little bit ago I got to passionately kiss someone. I was really good. There was a bit of play. But no one got to score.

I need to feel needed. Someone out there has to need me. Passionately. I know I can change a lightbulb. Or hit a nail. Or build a house. But that’s not the need I need.

So, here’s a little confession. I think I’ve thought about having sex with everyone on here. I’ve fantasized about more than a few of you. OK, either I’m a pervert, or I’m just honest. Maybe it’s a result of need. Maybe it’s a result of needing to be needed. I don’t know.

Here’s another confession. I must be a hypocrate. With all this need I am not running around the country trying to hook up with every woman who suggests I might have a chance of getting to first base. I travel where I travel. I meet the people I can meet. I love sitting and talking. I love making that next level connection. Seeing an online friend face to face is really fun. Finding out that I did understand them. Finding out they understood me. It confirms that friends are friends. Online friends are real people (well, most of the ones I consider friends anyway).

Sometime last year I got accused of being a preditor. One particular member back at JS who has some issues decided to take her anger out on me. It really shocked me. I had put a lot of trust into the old JS. And to discover this side of the site bothered me tremendously. And maybe worse, I discovered other members who relished in stoking the flames. People who didn’t know me from Adam decided they could pass along faked messages to my friends at JS. That really really really upset me. I stopped writing from my heart and head. I found myself self censoring. And that was not what I came to blogging to do. It is interesting to me how much damage that incident did to me. I still see those members around, and every time I see them I recoil.

I have tried to that nonsense behind me. But I still feel the scar when I write. As I write this I wonder if purging is going to be the right thing, or the wrong thing. I know “they” may read this, and feel a sense of satisfaction in what they did. Sick, sad people. I wonder what the friends I have that knew about what was happening will think. “Get over it” “Don’t let it ruin your online experience” “ Don’t stop being true to you” I get all that. But there is a risk to being open. True, there is a benefit too. And it was the benefit of being open in my thoughts that gave me peace when I blogged.

I think I have to be honest. The people who know me know me. The people who don’t know me can judge me. If they figure me out they will be my friends. If they can’t figure me out, fuck them.
So, yes, I would love to have a physical relationship again. I would love to spend some time naked with you. I would love to feel your skin on my skin. I know its not going to happen. But it would be nice. I don’t know if that makes me a pervert or not. But it is honest.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Double Argh

OK, so another reason I might never go back to the site formerly known as Journal Space, I can not accept friend requests. I click on the little icon that says Friendship Requested and the little ball just spins and spins. I've been waiting half an hour to get one friendship request processed. Argh

Not Dead

I went skiing this weekend with my son and a few of his boy scout buddies. I'm sore and the snow conditions sucked. But it was super fun.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

And, the answer is


I have really come to rely on my friends online. Maybe because I haven't been able to have friends in real life. Or so it feels to me.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Friends, Flight, Relationship and Change

Yesterday was my daughter's ninth birthday (side bar, she is so cute you wouldn't believe it). She wanted Chinese food for dinner, well, she wanted pot stickers, that girl could live on pot stickers. At the end of dinner we all picked out our fortune cookies.

to paraphrase

"You will always have your friends around you at a time of need"
"A flight is in your future, taking you to fun"
"A new and exciting relationship is in your future"
"You will go through more changes before you find peace"

Guess which was mine.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

JournalSpace is Back?

So, here we go again. Journal Space is back. Sort of. I'll be 100% honest, I did not have a 100% positive experience at Journal Space. Over the year-plus I was there the site changed. People I read when I arrived left the site. Or others were chased off the site. Some people played games. Some people hurt other people. Some people were dishonest. Some people were downright mean.


Some people were wonderful, supportive friends. Some people added so much to my existance last year. Some people honestly cared, and it showed. My year at Journal Space was wonderful. All in all.

But when I went back to look at the new Journal Space I saw the names of some of the members I really don't need to interact with anymore. And the loyalty to a domain name isn't there. It is visceral. I admit that. I don't want to loose the good friends, but I don't want to go back to censoring myself in my blog to avoid the issues with the less than good friends. I am having a cunundrum (sp?). I don't really know what I'll do. But I know I need to blog.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Not Sexy

It is interesting that as time goes by I am coming to the conclusion that I'm not sexy. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that in a bad way. But if you look at the way people react to you, interact with you. You slowly come to see how others see you. I am a nice guy. I am a regular, nice, smart guy. But I am not sexy. I am fun, and thoughtful. But I am not sexy.

At times that's a hard realization. But I think its for the best. I suspect it is a better place to be these days. Simplier, for sure.

Friday, January 9, 2009

Nibbly Bits

So, this weekend it is going to be like 70 here. I do wish we'd get a bit of rain this winter, but I can't complain about the temperature. But I'm sitting here nude after hopping out of the hot tub wondering whether its all worth it. I mean I worked hard to put this place together. I have great kids. I have stuck it out so long. I can go out on a Friday afternoon for a soak and a beer. But is it really worth it? I know I can't just chuck it all. But I know by staying I am just putting off the inevitable. And the nibbly bits aren't getting any younger. Its hard to be so undecided. There is no right answer. One way I can stay and enjoy the fruits of my labors. I can pretend all is good. The other way I can get out and the nibbly bits can get a bit more of a work out. Or I can stay and still get the nibbly bits a play mate. I think I spend too much time thinking. Not enough time enjoying. Like today. A half day of work, then up to the boat to pick up some papers, and while I was there I got the boat out for a bit. A bit of sun, a bit of breeze. But I was alone on the boat. I would have loved a bit of company. Then home here. Gorgeous day. Off came the clothes, out to the hot tub. Relaxing. Nice to have company there too. And now in here. Quiet. All alone. Alone is not good for the soul. Well, not alone alone. More like alone by myself. I have friends and family. I have kids. My wife is alone alone. I think she is regretting the walls she has built. But I'm still not satisfied with where this is. We had another talk. Another talk. Another talk. It just seems like talking is so cheap. But actions are so permenant. So, what's to do? I don't know. But I know I will enjoy a day like today. I feel good about that.

Journal Space Disaster

I did not do this, Jodi did. And she is freakin' brilliant. But in case you haven't seen it, go, now, laugh your ass off, then cry about the demise of Journal Space



I have no clue how to embed stuff here yet, but for my friends in the snow belt I thought you might get a kick out of this.


Wednesday, January 7, 2009


So, we had our "date" to talk. Disappointing. It was avoidance, denial, and reinventing history. But I was not about to get into another big fight about the same old stuff. So, I listened as much as I could. There are a lot of things whilling around in her head. And not a whole lot of them are connected. She seems to have forgotten almost everything she doesn't want to remember. Invented things to fill in the gaps. She tells me things and then contridicts herself in the next sentence. Her interpretation of me, and what I'm about, and what I say is abstract, at best. Its just like the "meatloaf" fight all over again. But we didn't fight. I had a crappy day yesterday, and it would have been easy to fight, but I just didn't want to go there. But we still have way way too much stuff to resolve. And its not getting resolved.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

What's in a dream?

Over the holidays I has a series of weird dream. Seeing people I know in odd settings. Odd situations. Who knows was I was eating before bed. This morning my wife was in a foul mood. OK. What's up?

She had a nightmare. She came home and found me cooking, in the nude. And there were seven women in various states of undress in the kitchen with me. When she entered they all descended on her to tell her what a fool she is. She doesn't like being called a fool.

So, was I supposed to appologies for being nude in a dream with seven semi-nude women?

Monday, January 5, 2009

The saga continues

Just another weekend, with another plowing of the same ground. Same outcome. And yet she was surprised. She thought things were so much better. The more she can ignore the issues the happier she is, and the more surprised she is that I'm not happy. So, we left things in that same space. We have a "date" to talk tomorrow night. This morning she said she was committed to working things out. I think what that means is she is committed to standing her ground no matter what.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Holiday Update

Well, even though all of the folks I see following this blog have read me before, here's a 30 second intro. I have a 50% holding in a really crappy marriage. Not that she is such a bad person, but she got a really raw deal, and seems to feel it is A-OK to take that out of both me and the two kids we have. We have done the councilling thing without success, I struggle with the best path forward, I find when I blog I use a different way of thinking so it helps me see things I wouldn't otherwise consider. I blog for me. And so, sometimes I say stuff in my blog that won't make sense to anyone but me. I really appreciate the feed back from comments or messages, especially if I have missed something. Everyone can bring something to the debate. I don't think there are magic answers, or fairy tale endings. We all struggle, the difference is if we do it alone, or in the company of friends.

So, the holidays are always hard. My wife lost her mom to a stroke two years ago, and at times like this it really brings out her lonliness. She is not really close to anyone in her family, the girls got together at the holidays just because of mom. And now, with mom gone, the family is fading away. My family, by contrast, is always together. It actually creates a different tension with my wife since she can't control what they do. And that is really tough. My mom bought a birthday party at a local fire house for my daughter, she turns nine in two weeks. But about the party, my mom had requested that the kid they outbid for the party be allowed to come see the firehouse, and that my son and his cousin could come too. But then, my wife felt those weren't reasonable requests, that she should be the one who decides who comes to the party, and who doesn't. Of course she couldn't actually talk to my mom about it, so I found her getting my daughter on the phone to my mom to talk this out. OK, weird. It all worked out, but we didn't have to go through these gyrations.

And one other thing. Remember the discussion I had with her about taking the kids with me, if I did leave? Well, I think that made a huge impression. We had another crazy business blow out a couple days ago. Ready for this. I like leaving the digital picture frame on upstairs showing pictures from vacations. I like stopping and watching it for a second. She kept unplugging it. When I asked her to just leave it alone she detonated. It was crazy ville. I got lectured about not being "green" enough, wasting energy. I got nailed with wanting to be just like my mom since she keeps hers on too. She wanted to trade letting me leave it on in exchange for not putting fat from the ground beef down the sink. This was not a normal discussion. So, I got up and left. I took the old car out for a drive. And got pulled over by the sherriff because the registration was out of date. When my wife got some money from her inheritance she decided she really wanted to get that car running again. Her first nice car. A BMW convertible. But the engine had troubles. She decided she wanted to get it fixed and just spent a boat load of money on a new engine. We got the thing smog checked and she says she sent in the paper work for the registration. But I'm not convinced she did. The registration is due in February. I think she decided we could drive it unreqistered until February when we'd have to renew the paperwork. But I don't think she'd ever admit that. Anyway, the sherriff was cool, he could see we had done the smog so he believed we had started the process and the state had just messed up. And yes, it is very possible that she did send in the registration and the state messed up. So, when I got home I found she had sent me email appologising for the craziness. We did some talking. But not about all the craziness. She asked if I would consider sleeping in her bed that night, which I did, and yes, we even had sex in the morning. (First time in 18 months) And, as expected, she thought that signalled all was forgiven. When I asked that we talk about the other stuff, the friends, the control, the isolation, etc., she clammed up. She wasn't ready to talk about that. All she wants is the appearance back. She wants to look happy. Last night she asked me back to the bed and I declinded. I told her I just didn't feel right doing that until we got some of this stuff worked out. I am not going back to the way things were. And she knows that. Or, at least she should know it. We'll see.

On a brighter note, good to see you all. Happy New Year to everyone. I think I only lost a few months of my journal when JS melted down. And it wasn't really memorable stuff to start with. But maybe it will teach me to be sure to save a copy. No telling how long this site will be around.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Another JournalSpace Refugee

I was at JS for a bit more than a year, and had backed up about 3/4 of my blog. I am very sad I lost that space. But I would be far sadder if I lost the friends I made there. I know a lot have wandered over here, so I hope to find them, or they can find me. Hope all is well with all of you in this new year. Take care, and keep smiling