Well, even though all of the folks I see following this blog have read me before, here's a 30 second intro. I have a 50% holding in a really crappy marriage. Not that she is such a bad person, but she got a really raw deal, and seems to feel it is A-OK to take that out of both me and the two kids we have. We have done the councilling thing without success, I struggle with the best path forward, I find when I blog I use a different way of thinking so it helps me see things I wouldn't otherwise consider. I blog for me. And so, sometimes I say stuff in my blog that won't make sense to anyone but me. I really appreciate the feed back from comments or messages, especially if I have missed something. Everyone can bring something to the debate. I don't think there are magic answers, or fairy tale endings. We all struggle, the difference is if we do it alone, or in the company of friends.
So, the holidays are always hard. My wife lost her mom to a stroke two years ago, and at times like this it really brings out her lonliness. She is not really close to anyone in her family, the girls got together at the holidays just because of mom. And now, with mom gone, the family is fading away. My family, by contrast, is always together. It actually creates a different tension with my wife since she can't control what they do. And that is really tough. My mom bought a birthday party at a local fire house for my daughter, she turns nine in two weeks. But about the party, my mom had requested that the kid they outbid for the party be allowed to come see the firehouse, and that my son and his cousin could come too. But then, my wife felt those weren't reasonable requests, that she should be the one who decides who comes to the party, and who doesn't. Of course she couldn't actually talk to my mom about it, so I found her getting my daughter on the phone to my mom to talk this out. OK, weird. It all worked out, but we didn't have to go through these gyrations.
And one other thing. Remember the discussion I had with her about taking the kids with me, if I did leave? Well, I think that made a huge impression. We had another crazy business blow out a couple days ago. Ready for this. I like leaving the digital picture frame on upstairs showing pictures from vacations. I like stopping and watching it for a second. She kept unplugging it. When I asked her to just leave it alone she detonated. It was crazy ville. I got lectured about not being "green" enough, wasting energy. I got nailed with wanting to be just like my mom since she keeps hers on too. She wanted to trade letting me leave it on in exchange for not putting fat from the ground beef down the sink. This was not a normal discussion. So, I got up and left. I took the old car out for a drive. And got pulled over by the sherriff because the registration was out of date. When my wife got some money from her inheritance she decided she really wanted to get that car running again. Her first nice car. A BMW convertible. But the engine had troubles. She decided she wanted to get it fixed and just spent a boat load of money on a new engine. We got the thing smog checked and she says she sent in the paper work for the registration. But I'm not convinced she did. The registration is due in February. I think she decided we could drive it unreqistered until February when we'd have to renew the paperwork. But I don't think she'd ever admit that. Anyway, the sherriff was cool, he could see we had done the smog so he believed we had started the process and the state had just messed up. And yes, it is very possible that she did send in the registration and the state messed up. So, when I got home I found she had sent me email appologising for the craziness. We did some talking. But not about all the craziness. She asked if I would consider sleeping in her bed that night, which I did, and yes, we even had sex in the morning. (First time in 18 months) And, as expected, she thought that signalled all was forgiven. When I asked that we talk about the other stuff, the friends, the control, the isolation, etc., she clammed up. She wasn't ready to talk about that. All she wants is the appearance back. She wants to look happy. Last night she asked me back to the bed and I declinded. I told her I just didn't feel right doing that until we got some of this stuff worked out. I am not going back to the way things were. And she knows that. Or, at least she should know it. We'll see.
On a brighter note, good to see you all. Happy New Year to everyone. I think I only lost a few months of my journal when JS melted down. And it wasn't really memorable stuff to start with. But maybe it will teach me to be sure to save a copy. No telling how long this site will be around.