Ravages

Got the call. Biopsy is back. Its benein. But it could have been cancer. Pre-cancerous.
A friend of mine died last week of cancer. Pancreatic cancer. Gone in six months. I lost Wendy to leukemia.

There are two lessons here. Lesson one, take care of yourself. It won't guarentee you'll live longer, but it will give you a head start. And the second lesson, don't wait to love your life. Don't wait to live your life. Don't wait to enjoy your life. Now, I am not going to get into a philosophical discussion about this being the only life you get or what you have to do to achieve nervana, or eternal salvation. I'm just saying this life is too precious to waste.

Last night I had dinner with the HR lady. She lives out on this coast now. I've always had an interest in her. She's young, smart, pretty. But I know it is a completely rediculous idea. Nice fantasty, but impractical and dangerous. She doesn't have a thing for me, but she does like me. Last night over dinner we talked business and a bit of personal stuff. I probably over shared. And this morning I was kicking myself about it. But you know, I didn't hit on her, or treat her disrespectfully, I just responded when she commented about my wife doing OK in the aspects of her life.

I have to admit, that statement hit a nerve. My wife has a good job. She works hard. She didn't get there on her own. My wife has great kids. At times they are great kids in spite of her. My wife lives in a great house. More house than we could afford if we'd done it like everyone else does it. And my wife has a great husband. Job aside, she takes it all for granted, and people on the outside have no clue what is behind the curtain.

We talked about sailing. I took the HR lady racing one Friday night. She didn't know that I didn't get out sailing on the weekends because I was so busy. Her parting suggestion was to start sailing more, and she's right.

I know we stuff too much stuff into the bag. I know my wife worries about appearances. But at times like this it would be good to stop and take stock. Do the kids need to be as active as we are? When do they get to be kids? When do I get to be a kid? When do any of you get to be kids? Or do you even want to be kids?

At some point we all have to go. That is fact. I hope no one gets there with regrets. I know that's a false hope. We will all have regrets. Big regrets, and small regrets. But we also get to be fulfilled. In small ways, in big ways. Its like a balance sheet of things tried, and things not tried. Things done, and things left undone.

My balance sheet is pretty darned good. I feel pretty good about the things I've done, the accomplishments, the experiences, all the people who I've touched, and who have touched me. I know some of my blogs get pretty whiney at times. But that's just me looking at the wrong side of the balance sheet.

A bit of reflection serves me good. I'm still healthy, and I intend to stay that way. I have experienced some wonderful things. Suffered some heart breaks. I've kissed a pretty girl. I know the love of my children. I have found that part of my life fulfilling, and I have lots more to experience. I have some of the coolest and bestest friends. I have known love. I guess the point of this trip through this life is to leave a better space behind when your done. And I feel like I have a real good head start on that.