So, a few of you know me on Facebook too. I put a few of the "other" pics up there. I'll admit it, I was bored, and feeling boring, so I just felt like doing something.
Now I was careful to set the pic properties for Friends Only. Not Friends of Friends, or Everyone. Just friends. And there is one Friend on my facebook list that is different than the rest. Or should I say she was a friend on facebook.
I don't know if it was shock, or what. But when she fired up facebook on Saturday those pics were on her home page. I figure they were on everyone's homepage. But this particular friend wasn't ammused. So, she removed our friends status. Concerned that the next time she logs on she will have her daughter looking over her shoulder, and she didn't want to have to explain how she knows me. Or what the heck is going on.
When I got to work I messaged her, and she responded about the pics. And that she removed me as a friend because she didn't want to have to worry about prying eyes.
This particular friend and I have a lot of history together. And her kids are aware of that history. I don't know that they recognise me from the facebook thing, or if I'm just one of her friends. But she didn't want to have to deal with that. I understand. But she asked why I put them up. I said I was boring, and that I wanted to shake myself up, which is true, to the best of my ability to figure out. Well, she thinks that's shit. Actually, she said crap. Maybe. I don't think so. She does.
I don't think we share perspective. But I'm not feeling like I have to appologies. And that is a big improvement for me. And she doesn't feel like she has to have her way about this. And that's a big improvement too.
Before I put the pics up I knew I would take them down sooner rather than later. They served their purpose for me, they shook me up. Not I can find something else to shake me up.
I feel like pooh. I know what's going on and there is not a whole lot I can do about it. Every now and then my sinuses take control of the rest of the equipment. And what really sucks, it all happens before I get any symptoms that there is a problem. Bugs seem to take up residence in one of my sinuses and before I even feel it there is a raging infection up there. Now, here's the killer part. I can kill the infection, but all the junk up there has to go somewhere. And that's usually down the back of my throat. Next stop, tonsilitis, and bronchitis. I just have to tough this out.
And, I need to start writing again. I think I'm getting boring
So, I'm in a good space right now. I can tell because I'm having dirty thoughts. It is interesting how being in a bad space takes the wind out of my sails, and being in a good space makes me horny. I've been playing with my cam phone from time to time. I hope those who receive those gifts smile. It makes me smile to send the pics. I know its a little odd, but if I don't feed the naughty beast I wind up feeling trapped and that takes me in the wrong direction.
I'm not over the top I don't think. I know some would not approve. But hey, fuck 'em if they don't like it.
So, how can you be in New Orleans and not go down Bourbon St? For those who haven't seen it, these days its a 50:50 mix of bars and strip clubs. Walking down the street around the barkers and girls in the door ways is fun. I tried to get a pic of the girl in front of "Stillettos" for the shoe porn, but she didn't want her picture taken, even her shoes. Needless to say I didn't go into that club, the nerve of some people.
I did go listen to some blues. I love the blues. Got a bit hammered, but made it back to the hotel in one piece. Smiling. Would have been more fun with company, but it was great to be out on the town.
Got the call. Biopsy is back. Its benein. But it could have been cancer. Pre-cancerous. A friend of mine died last week of cancer. Pancreatic cancer. Gone in six months. I lost Wendy to leukemia.
There are two lessons here. Lesson one, take care of yourself. It won't guarentee you'll live longer, but it will give you a head start. And the second lesson, don't wait to love your life. Don't wait to live your life. Don't wait to enjoy your life. Now, I am not going to get into a philosophical discussion about this being the only life you get or what you have to do to achieve nervana, or eternal salvation. I'm just saying this life is too precious to waste.
Last night I had dinner with the HR lady. She lives out on this coast now. I've always had an interest in her. She's young, smart, pretty. But I know it is a completely rediculous idea. Nice fantasty, but impractical and dangerous. She doesn't have a thing for me, but she does like me. Last night over dinner we talked business and a bit of personal stuff. I probably over shared. And this morning I was kicking myself about it. But you know, I didn't hit on her, or treat her disrespectfully, I just responded when she commented about my wife doing OK in the aspects of her life.
I have to admit, that statement hit a nerve. My wife has a good job. She works hard. She didn't get there on her own. My wife has great kids. At times they are great kids in spite of her. My wife lives in a great house. More house than we could afford if we'd done it like everyone else does it. And my wife has a great husband. Job aside, she takes it all for granted, and people on the outside have no clue what is behind the curtain.
We talked about sailing. I took the HR lady racing one Friday night. She didn't know that I didn't get out sailing on the weekends because I was so busy. Her parting suggestion was to start sailing more, and she's right.
I know we stuff too much stuff into the bag. I know my wife worries about appearances. But at times like this it would be good to stop and take stock. Do the kids need to be as active as we are? When do they get to be kids? When do I get to be a kid? When do any of you get to be kids? Or do you even want to be kids?
At some point we all have to go. That is fact. I hope no one gets there with regrets. I know that's a false hope. We will all have regrets. Big regrets, and small regrets. But we also get to be fulfilled. In small ways, in big ways. Its like a balance sheet of things tried, and things not tried. Things done, and things left undone.
My balance sheet is pretty darned good. I feel pretty good about the things I've done, the accomplishments, the experiences, all the people who I've touched, and who have touched me. I know some of my blogs get pretty whiney at times. But that's just me looking at the wrong side of the balance sheet.
A bit of reflection serves me good. I'm still healthy, and I intend to stay that way. I have experienced some wonderful things. Suffered some heart breaks. I've kissed a pretty girl. I know the love of my children. I have found that part of my life fulfilling, and I have lots more to experience. I have some of the coolest and bestest friends. I have known love. I guess the point of this trip through this life is to leave a better space behind when your done. And I feel like I have a real good head start on that.
So, last leg. Oh so close. The big guy is reading my blog, and he's messing with me.
Everyone is on the plane, door closes, we push back, and we sit there.
"There's this little warning light on in the cockpit"
I swear, its a sick joke. They're on the radio with maintenance. Give them 5 minutes. So we sit 5 minutes. And guess what, engines start and off we go. Looks like we're running out of time to mess up this leg. (I know, don't jinx it)
Now I'm not going to blame the airlines or the TSA for everything. In fact the TSA has been pretty OK this time. Although I can not find anything in the press about why they bumped the level up to orange. Could be they just wanted to do more pat searches.
So far opn this trip I've flown three legs, no, wait, one of those legs turned into two legs, so I quess I've flown four now.
First leg was the medical thing. Second leg was the broken airplane leg. That turned into two legs when we diverted to Chicago. And now this leg.
Lucky me. I got to sit next to a four year old with a major issue. Might be ADD, might be something else. But one thing for sure, this kid was out of control. Now, mom was trying, but nothing was working. He was jumping, kicking, hitting. Ripping the magazines, putting the head phones apart. It has been a delightful three hours.
One leg left. I can't wait to find out what's in store for me.
So, there was a good day at home, and a couple bad days at home. My son and wife have not been seeing eye to eye. My daughter siezed those moments to gang up on my son. That always adds to his anxt, and that always adds to my wife's anger. It is a vicious cycle.
My daughter is still carrying the little silver star I gave her.
My first leg from San Francisco to Denver was full of excitement since we had a medical emergency onboard. So, maybe we'll set down in Salt Lake, no, we'll keep going. Priority approach to Denver. Exciting, but we get in.
Second leg, Denver to Baltimore. No, wait, Denver to Chicago. We can't land in Baltimore because the Instrument Landing System isn't working. So, as long as we can see the runway we're cool. Let's go to Chicago where they might have the part to fix the plane. Yup. Two hours later we can continue. So
Third leg, Chicago to Baltimore. Yes we made it, two hours late. Thank god the bar serves dinner, the resteraunt has closed.
God I love travel. (sorry for those in the industry, but this is happening way more often these days)
So, this morning I am at SFO starting the first of three trips I have to make over the next four weeks. I am not such a fan of business travel, but right now I don't have much choice. Last night my daughter was lamenting my departure and she told she wanted to keep something of mine with her while I was gone to remember me by. I have a silver star on a spare key rings, so I gave her that. She put it on the stand next to her bed last night. Leaving this morning was tough. My wife had that look while I was leaving. The "I don't like this, but I am powerless to do anything about it" look. I hope the kids have an OK time while I'm gone. I'll talk to them every night, at least once. Homework. My son will text me. We'll stay connected, just not as connected.
I have not been feeling sexy lately. I know I've said this before, I go through phases, ups and downs. Not enough to think I'm manic or anything. I just respond to what is going on around me. Some days are goods, some days are gumbies.
So, I decided to do something for myself. All shaved again. Nice feeling, if you know what I mean.
I should start wearing long robes with hoods. I feel like a freakin' monk these days. I haven't been chatting, or playing. I haven't been nude hiking, or nude swimming. I've only been in the hot tub once or twice in a week. I think I've forgotten what it feels like to have any stimulation at all. This sucks. And now I'm off for a week in Bethesda Md, the next week I'm in New Orleans, then I'm home for a week, and then a week in Denver. If anyone is up for Steak and Blow Job day, let me know.
I'm home and done. Not as terrible as advertised. I passed, but I'm not perfect. There was one little polyp. They say that's about what happens one in four new comers. Not a worry. Just that I'll go back in 8 years instead of 10. I can handle that. But being such a freakin' perfectionist I'm pissed that I didn't do perfect. Damn.
But on the upside I can get rid of this damned hair now.
OK, I did not invent this. Go read Becomingkate's blog. So, in concept this is the man's equivolent of Valentine's Day. Celebrated one month later, March 14.
Let's examine this, shall we?
So, I read this to say that men have to be coerced into liking chocolate hearts and romance, and women have to be coerced into red meat and oral sex.
In my life I have run across very romantic men. And women who love oral sex. Now, it is also true I have run into men who are about as romantic as a dead stump, and women who are repulsed by the idea of putting "that" in their mouths.
I'm actually a pretty romantic guy. And at times I feel really guilty receiving oral sex. Maybe because I assume most women don't really enjoy it. I have recently learned that is not necessarily true. Some women really really enjoy it. And some are really really good at it. Extrapolating why I like performing oral sex, I can see why some women might enjoy being on the other end of the stick (so to speak). And, I know this sounds selfish, I have figured out that laying back and enjoying it is the best thing I can. It is hard for me to be selfish like that. But I'm learning.
Tomorrow is my first butt-o-scope. It will happen to all of you. Today is the day to get ready for tomorrow. They say today will be the worst part. I screwed up and forgot I wasn't supposed to eat anything today. On my way into my office I grabbed a piece of red licorice. I sure hope they don't interpret that as cancer.
So, how do you know if you're doing the right thing? How do you separate the rational part from the selfish part? How do you know that the stuff you're doing, or you want, is really the stuff you should be doing, or the stuff you should be wanting?
I am probably much more selfish than I'd like to think I am. I am probably more self absorded, self indulgent. I probably look through rose colored glasses. But doesn't everyone. Well, everyone but St. Teressa. And is that OK?
Do you think people stop from time to time to look around and ask whether other people see their reality the same way they see it? I ponder these things.
You know the song with the line "all I want is a little fun before I die". Is that an unreasonable request? Don't get me wrong. I have had a blast on this journey. At times. I have had the blessing to do some amazing things, and see some amazing stuff. But I'd like to go to a Jimmy Buffett concert and dance and sing. I'd like to look at bare boobs without feeling like I shouldn't be looking. I'd like to run naked through the sprinklers again. Or just be naked again. Do we spend so much time trying to avoid eternal damnation to just enjoy sitting in the sun nude? What does everything need to be so serious?
I spend way too much time being way too serious. I ponder things I probably don't need to ponder. But that's the way I am. But I enjoy my kinks. Everyone has kinks. And for some of us, its the kinks that make us interesting, or more interesting. Don't you think we should celebrate our kinks? Assuming its not like running with scissors, that is. Some things can be destructive, noted. But sometimes what we think is destructive is actually just unconventional. Is it wrong to push on tradition? Challenge what we believe? I love pushing, challenging. That's another kink. I hear stories of the great philosophers sitting in cafes chatting and challenging each other. It is possible to disagree and everyone can still win. I don't always have to be right, but I feel I have a right to an opinion. Why should that be so challenging to people? I know, we have lost the ability to have a civil disagreement about things. We have become so polarized that we can't have fun while discussing the things we disagree about. That is sad. There are folks I totally disagree with who I still call friend. I hope they call me friend as well. I know when I go to the poll that my vote will be cancelled by someone I know and like, but who disagrees with me. That's OK. All too frequently in recent years I feel bad I can't sit down and have a really good heated depate about some issue, and at the end, finish off a good bottle of wine, or scotch agreeing to disagree. I need that kind of engagement. It is fun, and educational. I don't always have to be right (but I usually am), but I'd like to think I'm always learning.
I'd like to think this is something I can pass to my kids. The love of learning. The love of depate. The love of disagreement. The love of engagement. One of the real pleasures of being a thinking being is the ability to think. I feel sorry for people who only parrot what they have heard. I feel sorry for people who don't think they have the right to think for themselves. There is so much cool stuff to ponder. Actually, pondering why we ponder is a good place to start.
OK, so I'm back to blogging. I got a little distracted in the last couple months, and the loss of the old Journal Space still stings. But I need to get back to it. And I promise to do better (I'm really promising myself to do better).
So, what's new on my part of the planet? I like sleeping alone. Isn't that odd? I sleep better. I find I don't sweat or stress about the tension between my wife and I. I used to get in bed and feel the tension. I don't know. I feel it when she's going to bed and make a comment like "stay warm" when she's walking past. She has said repeatedly that I am welcome to return to the bedroom. And I know that. I have to remind her I choose to move out. Maybe that was my little step to gain some control over myself. It might be a small thing, but it is something I am choosing.
Spring time is coming up and that will be a time for new tensions. Every year for the past four or five years we have had people up for a wild flower hike. This year there will be a wild flower hike, but it will be tense. The woman my wife called out is always invited to the wild flower hike. So, we will get to an impass about what to do. I suspect I'll just schedule the hike when my wife isn't around. Or give her the option to be away. And that will cause a great stress. This will be a spot where she believes she gets to make the rules regardless of what is right. I think there is a high degree of pride as well as control at work here. It is hard for her to admit she was wrong. Heck, I don't even think she thinks she was wrong. But it is a microcosm of what's going on.
This isn't new. And I know I've seen it all along. I just have never figured out how to manage it, or myself when it comes to this stuff. Fear is a very strong motivator. And she knows that. Trouble it she doesn't see the lasting impact it has on me, or the kids. She was afraid of her father, I know she sees that in herself. But I don't think she sees the long term result of that. Last night as the kids were doing their chores she was getting impatient. My son was messing around. But he was in a really good mood, and just having fun. He was getting his chores done, but not on her time line. I looked for a way to difuse the situation without calling her out in front of the kids, but I couldn't. I finally just had to declare a time out. I told her to chill out, the boy was just having fun. He's a fun, happy kid, and that's OK. She doesn't need to ride him. Needless to say, her mood soured. She doesn't like being reined in. No one does. But she needs to be more self aware to avoid it. I need to be more self aware to help avoid it. The kids need to be kids. I think they need much more tolerance and understanding. They're good kids, and as long as they can be happy, I think that should come first.
It has dawned on me where we are going. What she wants, a romantic relationship, with me, on her terms.
My position, pick any two.
Its really that simple.
And fairness, I have the same choice. I have chosen on my terms now. And I have chosen to have a relationship, maybe romantic, maybe not romantic, but open. If its with her, or someone else is yet to be determined.
I see the conflict in her. Control is a drug. There is an addiction. And the withdrawls are terrible.
OK, so you know you're in a funk when you get pissed off by how they deal with statistics on the radio news. Really, doesn't that sound stupid? Buttttttt. We are in the middle of a drought here. They love to say we have had three years of less than "normal" rainfall. Noooooooo. We have had three years of less than AVERAGE rainfall. "Normal" rainfall is expect to vary from year to year. There is a single sided distribution of rainfall totals that defines what is "normal". This year we have about 80% of average. That is certainly "normal". Its like the headline in the London Times right after the war "50% of Children in Britan Receive Below Average Nutrition"