Saturday, February 28, 2009

and so on

OK, so I know I need to blog again. Stuff is backing up. But to be honest, I don't have a lot to say. But if I start blogging again I know stuff will work its way out. Nice day here. It will be raining by tomorrow so I'll enjoy today while I can. What's up with everyone else?

Thursday, February 26, 2009

an Update

It was pointed out to me that I have been MIA for a while now, and that is true. A couple things have contributed to that. First, I just don't feel as comfortable writing here as I did the old JS. I have no idea why that is. It is all the same, but if feels different. I really feel like I'm starting over, but I know that's not true. I had backed up everything up to about March of 2008, and have stuff that I wrote starting in June still around, so I didn't loose very much stuff when JS crashed. But still. The other thing, I feel like a hypocrite. Now that I know what my future is here, I should run for the hills as fast as I can. But there is something seductive about just ignoring how bad it is, and going back to pretending it will work out. I tried reconnecting with my wife. We even had sex. But the same thing happens, she believes that means I have forgiven everything, and she believes she has a green light to go back to the old ways, and then I put my foot down, and she says she's getting mixed messages. They are not mixed messages. They are mixed interpretations. She does not understand that I am not an asshole. She does not understand my situation. And she never will. I tell her, and I mean, that I would prefer reconsiliation. But not on her terms. On my terms this time. And she doesn't understand that either. She doesn't understand that I really do have the best interests of everyone in mind. She is so black and white that she figures loosing control means a change of course 180 degrees. She thinks I'm going to force her into things that are unacceptable to her. She doesn't understand partnering. Or me. But still, I don't want to give up everything here. I don't want to loose daily contact with the kids. But she has made it clear she won't just walk away. So, joint custody it is. Is that good enough? She is way too conservative now. She has joined a church that is way way too conservative for me. And she doesn't see it. She doesn't see that the focus on guilt and sin isn't healthy for the kids, or for her. I talk to the kids about it. And to her. She was raised a Lutheran and I think she is a bit fuzzy on the whole sin and guilt thing. It seems to blend into the background when you hear it all the time. But for the kids, 9 and 12, it seems wrong to me to focus on "their" sins. These children are not sinners. And yet every single Sunday they proclaim their faults without understanding what they are saying. Maybe I'm hyper sensitive. It just seems to send the wrong message. We've talked about changing churches, but the one she goes to has almost no kids, the church is failing, and she doesn't want to see that. That is her guilt. Being single handedly responsible for the failure of a church. That would send her to hell so fast. So, we talk, but don't make progress. Big surprise. I am torn because I know she would react today the exact same way she did last summer. I know I don't want to live under that cloud. But I also know leaving the kids to her is wrong. And I know a dirty nasty custody fight is wrong. And that is what she has promised. She now denies ever saying that the kids would be better off with me. She says she only said they need a father. Well, that's an interesting change of history. But expected. She has no sense of the past. She doesn't hold herself accountable for the things she does. And when I am nice to her, she assumes I have forgiven her too. But, I'm not a mean person. It isn't my nature to yell, or rant. But if I don't yell or rant there is no focus on the issues. That's why I feel I have to go. Maybe if I'm gone she will take this seriously. But, maybe not. Maybe if I go she will interpret it as abandoning her, and the kids. Maybe she'll see this as the ultimate betrayal. She only wants control. And all I want is a chance to be me.

So, I know I said I was leaving. I know that. I know I have a big rooting section. I know I have to do something. But I have cold feet. And I need a path. At times like this, it sucks being me.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Time to vent, time to think

So, I haven't blogged in a while. But things have been going on. I need to catch myself up on things.

We own a second house in a nearby town. The first house we bought (with the help of my grandparents, I might add). We refinanced it and have been renting it out since we moved up onto the hill. Its a little two and one. But it is empty now. With everything going on I made it clear I intended to move there. And to take the kids with me.

Needless to say that stirred on heck of a reaction. Maybe that's what was needed. She denies ever saying the kids would be better with me. I don't know if she's dominated by terror or anger or what. Starting last weekend we had knock down after knock down. It started when I got a text from a friend asking how I was. She was mortified that I allowed people "into the relationship" like that. That started a huge one about leading a secret life. It dawned on me that she believes that people in couples have no right to an individual identity. She told me that there will be no friends that aren't both of our friends. I told her that was unacceptable. Over the years I have made some great friends here and I am not about to give them up. And that the joint friend we had that she detonated on was now a single friend of mine, and that wasn't going to change. Not surprisingly she is still furious with me that I had an affair. But for the first time she reflected on how she set the stage for it. (she really doesn't get that whole thing) She really thinks we are a couple. But she thinks she gets to make all the couple rules. Well, not consciencely. It just happens that she knows everything about being a couple. Wow. That was interesting. She thinks she is supposed to give her kids an example of a healthy relationship. But she has no example to draw on. Her parents were whacked. Her sisters relationships are whacked. No wonder she doesn't know how to be part of a healthy relationship. So, we hacked through that. We hacked through Valentine's Day. Why I didn't get her a Valentine's Day card. What a lie it would have been if I had. What a lie I think it is that she got me one. We hacked through that Saturday night.

By Sunday we were exhausted. By Sunday she turned. I don't know why, I suspect it has to do with the fear of being alone. She does not what me to leave. But it remains to be see that there are any changes. She was sickly nice to me all day Sunday, and Monday. She wants to "nice" her way out of this. Last night I told her there had to be more than "nice" behind this. I am not going to stay hoping it stays "nice". She is too conservative for me. She is not light. She's hard on the kids, and me. All that has to change.

I haven't talked to her, but I am sure, 100% sure, that she thinks I have changed my mind about moving out. She thinks that by being "nice" she will talk me out of moving. I need more than "nice". This next two weeks will be hard. But I know I can't take "nice" anymore.

Friday, February 13, 2009

My Annual Valentines Day Posting

Believe it or not this is the third year I've posted this.

Valentines Day for the Broken Hearted

You know how some people get depressed at Christmas? Well, there are those of us who look at Valentine's Day as a chance for the world to remind us that our relationships suck.
But, I'm not going to take it this year. This year I took inventory. It is not about the relationships that suck. Its about the relationships that work. It is a day for Thanksgiving for those in your life that bring joy. In all of our lives there are relationships that are important because they work. Work at different levels, for different reasons. This is a day for me to reflect on the relationships that work.
I am thankful for my children. They are my Valentines. This morning I did my usual routine of waking both kids. My daughter is 7. She wakes up, and sits on my lap while she drinks the cup of warm milk I bring her ever day. She stretches, and I carry her to the bathroom. I then head down the hall and wake my my 10 year old son. I make sure he's starting to wake up by rubbing his back, tell him I am turning on the radio, and then do it. The volume is low, but it helps him wake up. We talk a minute or two, then I get him up, walk him to his bathroom, give him a hug, and a kiss, and then give him his cup of warm milk. I do this every day of the week. They are perfect. I hug each, kiss each, and then I can go to work.
I am thankful for my family. My three brothers, my sister, my mom, her husband, and yes, even my dad and his wife. I rarely see my dad, or his wife. But they are good people. My father's mother didn't do him any favors. He was a distant father. But because of that, I made a promise to myself not to be that way with my kids. I have been the primary care giver since they were born. And I can say the lessons my father taught me have served me well. I am thankful for that. I am thankful that Lance takes care of my mother. He is a great man. For those of you who don't know, Lance is younger than I am. My mother married a man the same age as her fourth child when she remarried. They are a perfect couple. Right now they are on vacation in Viet Nam. My mother could never have the experiences she is having without him. My mother is cool. I am thankful for her. And the relationship I have with her. She is a rock. I am thankful for my brothers, and my sister. We spend at least a week together as a family every year. I love being with them. I love that we can still connect and talk.
I am thankful for my friends. My real life, face to face friends. The ones I sail with. The ones who bring their kids to Cub Scouts, or Baseball. I am thankful for that. I am thankful for my friends online. I do not have a chance for much adult support at home, but I have come to appreciate the support my online friends have brought me. I love making friends, meeting people, talking, exchanging ideas, playing, having fun. My online friends are cool. I am thankful for that. Thankful for you all.
So, Happy Valentine's Day to all my Valentines. I am thankful for each and everyone of you.
Last night my wife came home and told me my daughter didn't want to sing a particular song in the chorus. She told my wife that the song reminded her of Wendy.
At a time of reflection of the value of friends, I am struck by the loss of friends as well. Loosing Wendy last year was a deep blow. One I have not recovered from. One that I don't fully understand. And one that I find harder and harder. Not only because of the loss of a good friend, but that it reminds me how isolated I am. So, at this time of reflection, and giving thanks for the relationships I have. I need to redouble my efforts to tell the people I love, that I love them, and to enjoy and strengthen the relationships I have.
And maybe that is the meaning of Valentine's Day.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

About Blogging

I need to get back to blogging. But I am having that dreaded blog block. I will get back to it, I swear.

And, on a side note, got a new Blackberry. Love it. Nice and sleek. And it has a camera. Ooh, goodness, the mind reels. Anyone up for a phone/pic/porn/sex?

Monday, February 2, 2009

Timing is everything

So, when we moved up onto the hill we kept our old house and started renting it out. This morning we got his 30 day notice that he's moving out. I guess there is a message there.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

I'm a big cry baby

I'm sorry for being such a drag. I'm just spending too much time confused these days. And now we have a house guest coming in on Wednesday so I need to move out of the spare room. I think I'll just sleep with my son for a couple days.