So, in the last two days I’ve read two blog entries about need. Both written be women. Both written by friends. I could relate to both. But they had very different meanings to me.
I need to get laid. I little bit ago I got to passionately kiss someone. I was really good. There was a bit of play. But no one got to score.
I need to feel needed. Someone out there has to need me. Passionately. I know I can change a lightbulb. Or hit a nail. Or build a house. But that’s not the need I need.
So, here’s a little confession. I think I’ve thought about having sex with everyone on here. I’ve fantasized about more than a few of you. OK, either I’m a pervert, or I’m just honest. Maybe it’s a result of need. Maybe it’s a result of needing to be needed. I don’t know.
Here’s another confession. I must be a hypocrate. With all this need I am not running around the country trying to hook up with every woman who suggests I might have a chance of getting to first base. I travel where I travel. I meet the people I can meet. I love sitting and talking. I love making that next level connection. Seeing an online friend face to face is really fun. Finding out that I did understand them. Finding out they understood me. It confirms that friends are friends. Online friends are real people (well, most of the ones I consider friends anyway).
Sometime last year I got accused of being a preditor. One particular member back at JS who has some issues decided to take her anger out on me. It really shocked me. I had put a lot of trust into the old JS. And to discover this side of the site bothered me tremendously. And maybe worse, I discovered other members who relished in stoking the flames. People who didn’t know me from Adam decided they could pass along faked messages to my friends at JS. That really really really upset me. I stopped writing from my heart and head. I found myself self censoring. And that was not what I came to blogging to do. It is interesting to me how much damage that incident did to me. I still see those members around, and every time I see them I recoil.
I have tried to that nonsense behind me. But I still feel the scar when I write. As I write this I wonder if purging is going to be the right thing, or the wrong thing. I know “they” may read this, and feel a sense of satisfaction in what they did. Sick, sad people. I wonder what the friends I have that knew about what was happening will think. “Get over it” “Don’t let it ruin your online experience” “ Don’t stop being true to you” I get all that. But there is a risk to being open. True, there is a benefit too. And it was the benefit of being open in my thoughts that gave me peace when I blogged.
I think I have to be honest. The people who know me know me. The people who don’t know me can judge me. If they figure me out they will be my friends. If they can’t figure me out, fuck them.
So, yes, I would love to have a physical relationship again. I would love to spend some time naked with you. I would love to feel your skin on my skin. I know its not going to happen. But it would be nice. I don’t know if that makes me a pervert or not. But it is honest.