Friday, January 9, 2009
Nibbly Bits
So, this weekend it is going to be like 70 here. I do wish we'd get a bit of rain this winter, but I can't complain about the temperature. But I'm sitting here nude after hopping out of the hot tub wondering whether its all worth it. I mean I worked hard to put this place together. I have great kids. I have stuck it out so long. I can go out on a Friday afternoon for a soak and a beer. But is it really worth it? I know I can't just chuck it all. But I know by staying I am just putting off the inevitable. And the nibbly bits aren't getting any younger. Its hard to be so undecided. There is no right answer. One way I can stay and enjoy the fruits of my labors. I can pretend all is good. The other way I can get out and the nibbly bits can get a bit more of a work out. Or I can stay and still get the nibbly bits a play mate. I think I spend too much time thinking. Not enough time enjoying. Like today. A half day of work, then up to the boat to pick up some papers, and while I was there I got the boat out for a bit. A bit of sun, a bit of breeze. But I was alone on the boat. I would have loved a bit of company. Then home here. Gorgeous day. Off came the clothes, out to the hot tub. Relaxing. Nice to have company there too. And now in here. Quiet. All alone. Alone is not good for the soul. Well, not alone alone. More like alone by myself. I have friends and family. I have kids. My wife is alone alone. I think she is regretting the walls she has built. But I'm still not satisfied with where this is. We had another talk. Another talk. Another talk. It just seems like talking is so cheap. But actions are so permenant. So, what's to do? I don't know. But I know I will enjoy a day like today. I feel good about that.
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What do you believe the inevitable is? Divorce? Living a life of solitude while sitting next to a person you've opted to spend the rest of your life with? Either way, it isn't a pretty picture, is it?
ReplyDeleteI've done both, to an extent. I lived that life alone while sitting next to him. I ended up divorcing him. I wish I would've divorced him sooner, and maybe I would never know what it feels like to be utterly alone. But eh, you can't think like that.
You have a lot of thinking to do. I don't mean to be rude, or to read something into your blog that you didn't really come out and say, but bringing another person into the equation isn't the best thing right now. It will only add to the complications. It will make things worse instead of better.
You've said that you've been through counseling already and it didn't work. You and your wife talk and talk, but never come to any real conclusions.
Have you thought about starting over? It won't be easy, but have you tried to get to know your wife again? Has she tried to get to know you again?
As years pass, we change. We may not realize it, or if we do realize it, we don't often acknowledge it. With that change comes a time in your marriage where you need to rediscover each other. She may not really know the person you've become and you may not know the person she's become. I know that probably sounds retarded, but at this point in time, it may be worth a try.
Get her away from the house. Take yourself out of the house. Take her out. Forget about your problems for a night. Don't talk about the things that have been bothering the both of you. Don't mention anything of the sort.
No pressure.
No preconceived notions.
Try to familiarize yourself with the woman she has grown into. Remember why you fell in love with her in the first place. Look for those qualities. Look for that sparkle in her eye that used to make you weak kneed.
Basically, what I am saying, after all of this babble, is stop expecting issues to be resolved immediately or with a single talk. It's going to take a lot of time, and if you loved her once and you are still there, the time may be time well spent.
btw.. sorry for taking up so much space..
ReplyDeleteThanks Doll, great comment. And lots for me to think about.
ReplyDeleteI'm just listening and sympathetic. I was alone in my marriage. Divorce was scary and unknown. When it really happened it wasn't what I expected, it didn't feel the way I'd expected.
ReplyDeleteBut it's a personal decision. I had a lot more to lose by staying in my marriage then leaving it. I didn't have kids and a mortgage in the mix, either.
But--and I've heard this from many other people I've talked to who've gone through a divorce--there is a definite moment where you absolutely know that you have to leave. It just happens, after weeks and months of going back and forth, it just hits you.