Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Time to vent, time to think

So, I haven't blogged in a while. But things have been going on. I need to catch myself up on things.

We own a second house in a nearby town. The first house we bought (with the help of my grandparents, I might add). We refinanced it and have been renting it out since we moved up onto the hill. Its a little two and one. But it is empty now. With everything going on I made it clear I intended to move there. And to take the kids with me.

Needless to say that stirred on heck of a reaction. Maybe that's what was needed. She denies ever saying the kids would be better with me. I don't know if she's dominated by terror or anger or what. Starting last weekend we had knock down after knock down. It started when I got a text from a friend asking how I was. She was mortified that I allowed people "into the relationship" like that. That started a huge one about leading a secret life. It dawned on me that she believes that people in couples have no right to an individual identity. She told me that there will be no friends that aren't both of our friends. I told her that was unacceptable. Over the years I have made some great friends here and I am not about to give them up. And that the joint friend we had that she detonated on was now a single friend of mine, and that wasn't going to change. Not surprisingly she is still furious with me that I had an affair. But for the first time she reflected on how she set the stage for it. (she really doesn't get that whole thing) She really thinks we are a couple. But she thinks she gets to make all the couple rules. Well, not consciencely. It just happens that she knows everything about being a couple. Wow. That was interesting. She thinks she is supposed to give her kids an example of a healthy relationship. But she has no example to draw on. Her parents were whacked. Her sisters relationships are whacked. No wonder she doesn't know how to be part of a healthy relationship. So, we hacked through that. We hacked through Valentine's Day. Why I didn't get her a Valentine's Day card. What a lie it would have been if I had. What a lie I think it is that she got me one. We hacked through that Saturday night.

By Sunday we were exhausted. By Sunday she turned. I don't know why, I suspect it has to do with the fear of being alone. She does not what me to leave. But it remains to be see that there are any changes. She was sickly nice to me all day Sunday, and Monday. She wants to "nice" her way out of this. Last night I told her there had to be more than "nice" behind this. I am not going to stay hoping it stays "nice". She is too conservative for me. She is not light. She's hard on the kids, and me. All that has to change.

I haven't talked to her, but I am sure, 100% sure, that she thinks I have changed my mind about moving out. She thinks that by being "nice" she will talk me out of moving. I need more than "nice". This next two weeks will be hard. But I know I can't take "nice" anymore.


  1. too many people think they can change their partner, but they can't. Sometimes talking out the problems help, but getting a relationship to work demands honest compromise on BOTH sides.
    Good luck!

  2. Just be totally clear on what you want and need. Tis a tough situation.

  3. sorry i have been out of state so I wanted to say good for you! move out and I am really looking forward to you being happy. I hope its sooner than later.