I Promise

OK, so I'm back to blogging. I got a little distracted in the last couple months, and the loss of the old Journal Space still stings. But I need to get back to it. And I promise to do better (I'm really promising myself to do better).

So, what's new on my part of the planet? I like sleeping alone. Isn't that odd? I sleep better. I find I don't sweat or stress about the tension between my wife and I. I used to get in bed and feel the tension. I don't know. I feel it when she's going to bed and make a comment like "stay warm" when she's walking past. She has said repeatedly that I am welcome to return to the bedroom. And I know that. I have to remind her I choose to move out. Maybe that was my little step to gain some control over myself. It might be a small thing, but it is something I am choosing.

Spring time is coming up and that will be a time for new tensions. Every year for the past four or five years we have had people up for a wild flower hike. This year there will be a wild flower hike, but it will be tense. The woman my wife called out is always invited to the wild flower hike. So, we will get to an impass about what to do. I suspect I'll just schedule the hike when my wife isn't around. Or give her the option to be away. And that will cause a great stress. This will be a spot where she believes she gets to make the rules regardless of what is right. I think there is a high degree of pride as well as control at work here. It is hard for her to admit she was wrong. Heck, I don't even think she thinks she was wrong. But it is a microcosm of what's going on.

This isn't new. And I know I've seen it all along. I just have never figured out how to manage it, or myself when it comes to this stuff. Fear is a very strong motivator. And she knows that. Trouble it she doesn't see the lasting impact it has on me, or the kids. She was afraid of her father, I know she sees that in herself. But I don't think she sees the long term result of that. Last night as the kids were doing their chores she was getting impatient. My son was messing around. But he was in a really good mood, and just having fun. He was getting his chores done, but not on her time line. I looked for a way to difuse the situation without calling her out in front of the kids, but I couldn't. I finally just had to declare a time out. I told her to chill out, the boy was just having fun. He's a fun, happy kid, and that's OK. She doesn't need to ride him. Needless to say, her mood soured. She doesn't like being reined in. No one does. But she needs to be more self aware to avoid it. I need to be more self aware to help avoid it. The kids need to be kids. I think they need much more tolerance and understanding. They're good kids, and as long as they can be happy, I think that should come first.