an Update

It was pointed out to me that I have been MIA for a while now, and that is true. A couple things have contributed to that. First, I just don't feel as comfortable writing here as I did the old JS. I have no idea why that is. It is all the same, but if feels different. I really feel like I'm starting over, but I know that's not true. I had backed up everything up to about March of 2008, and have stuff that I wrote starting in June still around, so I didn't loose very much stuff when JS crashed. But still. The other thing, I feel like a hypocrite. Now that I know what my future is here, I should run for the hills as fast as I can. But there is something seductive about just ignoring how bad it is, and going back to pretending it will work out. I tried reconnecting with my wife. We even had sex. But the same thing happens, she believes that means I have forgiven everything, and she believes she has a green light to go back to the old ways, and then I put my foot down, and she says she's getting mixed messages. They are not mixed messages. They are mixed interpretations. She does not understand that I am not an asshole. She does not understand my situation. And she never will. I tell her, and I mean, that I would prefer reconsiliation. But not on her terms. On my terms this time. And she doesn't understand that either. She doesn't understand that I really do have the best interests of everyone in mind. She is so black and white that she figures loosing control means a change of course 180 degrees. She thinks I'm going to force her into things that are unacceptable to her. She doesn't understand partnering. Or me. But still, I don't want to give up everything here. I don't want to loose daily contact with the kids. But she has made it clear she won't just walk away. So, joint custody it is. Is that good enough? She is way too conservative now. She has joined a church that is way way too conservative for me. And she doesn't see it. She doesn't see that the focus on guilt and sin isn't healthy for the kids, or for her. I talk to the kids about it. And to her. She was raised a Lutheran and I think she is a bit fuzzy on the whole sin and guilt thing. It seems to blend into the background when you hear it all the time. But for the kids, 9 and 12, it seems wrong to me to focus on "their" sins. These children are not sinners. And yet every single Sunday they proclaim their faults without understanding what they are saying. Maybe I'm hyper sensitive. It just seems to send the wrong message. We've talked about changing churches, but the one she goes to has almost no kids, the church is failing, and she doesn't want to see that. That is her guilt. Being single handedly responsible for the failure of a church. That would send her to hell so fast. So, we talk, but don't make progress. Big surprise. I am torn because I know she would react today the exact same way she did last summer. I know I don't want to live under that cloud. But I also know leaving the kids to her is wrong. And I know a dirty nasty custody fight is wrong. And that is what she has promised. She now denies ever saying that the kids would be better off with me. She says she only said they need a father. Well, that's an interesting change of history. But expected. She has no sense of the past. She doesn't hold herself accountable for the things she does. And when I am nice to her, she assumes I have forgiven her too. But, I'm not a mean person. It isn't my nature to yell, or rant. But if I don't yell or rant there is no focus on the issues. That's why I feel I have to go. Maybe if I'm gone she will take this seriously. But, maybe not. Maybe if I go she will interpret it as abandoning her, and the kids. Maybe she'll see this as the ultimate betrayal. She only wants control. And all I want is a chance to be me.

So, I know I said I was leaving. I know that. I know I have a big rooting section. I know I have to do something. But I have cold feet. And I need a path. At times like this, it sucks being me.