Heading south

So, after a brief flicker of hope we're heading south again. I gave her a chance to reconsile with my friend so we could start moving forward. Her idea of reconsiling was to get another pound of flesh. Needless to say, my friend has decided to withdraw. I totally get that. But it is so clear to me that my wife doesn't want to reconsile with me. It really is all about getting me back inside the box. And I'm not going.

This is definately not Journal Space

Have you noticed how few folks come by here? I don't see any of my JS friends. Most days I don't get a single comment. I read everyone who is posting here, but it seems like that is only a small subset of the folks I used to read.

What's going on? Is the JS community dead now?

Another reason I blog

So, I think it was Sunday night that she wanted to talk. But by the time the kids were in bed she was too tired. She did make one statement about being happy with her work life balance. It struck me that she is satisfied with the status quo. I know this was my intrepetation.

Yesterday morning I wrote her a blog, a letter. I spelled it out in black and white. It is interesting that because I've been blogging it was easy for me to get it out. I started writing and it came out. I spelled out where I was, where I perceived she was. And the fact that I was not satisfied with where we were. I made it clear that the first step in any reconsilitation would be to deal with the "friend" issue. I said she didn't have to appologise, but she did have to reconsile. I was not going to loose a friend of 18 years because of this.

When I got home she had obviously read the email. She was not happy. I left to take my son to boy scouts. When I got home, she was more thoughtful. But I needed a drink. She didn't want to talk. And I probably underestimated the strenght of this cask strength scotch, but I didn't really want to talk either. I slept alone last night. She had asked me back to the master bedroom. I said I was uncomfortable until we got some of this stuff sorted out. I had said that in the letter too.

This morning she said she was going to take the steps necessary to contact my friend and being the process of reconsiling. I don't know what that means to her, but it is a step she has never taken before. I don't know where its headed, but at least we are not dead in the water right now.

Ski Blog

OK, so I'm not exactly Jean Claude Killy (or however you spell it)

But I had a good time on the slopes














And, yes, I bought brand new sexy skiis. Good idea, even if they did get beat up a bit. God it was icy

Definately In Like

This is not a love story. It is, however, a like story.

I am definately in like. Friends who make me warm in the middle. Even friends who come and go, pass in the night. I am in like.

It is one of those things that gets me through. Gets me up in the morning and strengthens me during the day.

Hum. I wonder who's in like with me?

Best Birthday Party I've Been To

Argh, I just wrote this great post, and this thing lost it instead of posting it.

So, back to what I said, second time is never as good.

Not even my birthday party. My step father bought a party at a charity auction at a local firehouse.

I totally get people wanting to be a fire fighter, or hanging out with them. Nine little girls (and my son made 10). Not only did they get to sit in the fire truck (and engine, and I know the difference now) but they took them around the block, lights and sirens and all. They let them shoot the hose at some cones, climb the ladder, go to the top of the training building. They invited the lady firefighters from the next station to come over. Then cake and something to drink.

And the party came with its own photographer, so pics will follow. It was great. The firefighters were really cool (and buff for all you girl readers). This was a birthday that will be long remembered.

In the shower

It is interesting how sometimes the whole stress things gets to me. I was showering, just pondering and thinking and all I could do was wash my hair, shave, and get out. I just need to keep going. There has going to be more than this.

Even a Pervert Needs a Little Love

So, in the last two days I’ve read two blog entries about need. Both written be women. Both written by friends. I could relate to both. But they had very different meanings to me.

I need to get laid. I little bit ago I got to passionately kiss someone. I was really good. There was a bit of play. But no one got to score.

I need to feel needed. Someone out there has to need me. Passionately. I know I can change a lightbulb. Or hit a nail. Or build a house. But that’s not the need I need.

So, here’s a little confession. I think I’ve thought about having sex with everyone on here. I’ve fantasized about more than a few of you. OK, either I’m a pervert, or I’m just honest. Maybe it’s a result of need. Maybe it’s a result of needing to be needed. I don’t know.

Here’s another confession. I must be a hypocrate. With all this need I am not running around the country trying to hook up with every woman who suggests I might have a chance of getting to first base. I travel where I travel. I meet the people I can meet. I love sitting and talking. I love making that next level connection. Seeing an online friend face to face is really fun. Finding out that I did understand them. Finding out they understood me. It confirms that friends are friends. Online friends are real people (well, most of the ones I consider friends anyway).

Sometime last year I got accused of being a preditor. One particular member back at JS who has some issues decided to take her anger out on me. It really shocked me. I had put a lot of trust into the old JS. And to discover this side of the site bothered me tremendously. And maybe worse, I discovered other members who relished in stoking the flames. People who didn’t know me from Adam decided they could pass along faked messages to my friends at JS. That really really really upset me. I stopped writing from my heart and head. I found myself self censoring. And that was not what I came to blogging to do. It is interesting to me how much damage that incident did to me. I still see those members around, and every time I see them I recoil.

I have tried to that nonsense behind me. But I still feel the scar when I write. As I write this I wonder if purging is going to be the right thing, or the wrong thing. I know “they” may read this, and feel a sense of satisfaction in what they did. Sick, sad people. I wonder what the friends I have that knew about what was happening will think. “Get over it” “Don’t let it ruin your online experience” “ Don’t stop being true to you” I get all that. But there is a risk to being open. True, there is a benefit too. And it was the benefit of being open in my thoughts that gave me peace when I blogged.

I think I have to be honest. The people who know me know me. The people who don’t know me can judge me. If they figure me out they will be my friends. If they can’t figure me out, fuck them.
So, yes, I would love to have a physical relationship again. I would love to spend some time naked with you. I would love to feel your skin on my skin. I know its not going to happen. But it would be nice. I don’t know if that makes me a pervert or not. But it is honest.

Double Argh

OK, so another reason I might never go back to the site formerly known as Journal Space, I can not accept friend requests. I click on the little icon that says Friendship Requested and the little ball just spins and spins. I've been waiting half an hour to get one friendship request processed. Argh

Not Dead

I went skiing this weekend with my son and a few of his boy scout buddies. I'm sore and the snow conditions sucked. But it was super fun.

And, the answer is

Friends

I have really come to rely on my friends online. Maybe because I haven't been able to have friends in real life. Or so it feels to me.

Friends, Flight, Relationship and Change

Yesterday was my daughter's ninth birthday (side bar, she is so cute you wouldn't believe it). She wanted Chinese food for dinner, well, she wanted pot stickers, that girl could live on pot stickers. At the end of dinner we all picked out our fortune cookies.

to paraphrase

"You will always have your friends around you at a time of need"
"A flight is in your future, taking you to fun"
"A new and exciting relationship is in your future"
"You will go through more changes before you find peace"

Guess which was mine.

JournalSpace is Back?

So, here we go again. Journal Space is back. Sort of. I'll be 100% honest, I did not have a 100% positive experience at Journal Space. Over the year-plus I was there the site changed. People I read when I arrived left the site. Or others were chased off the site. Some people played games. Some people hurt other people. Some people were dishonest. Some people were downright mean.

But

Some people were wonderful, supportive friends. Some people added so much to my existance last year. Some people honestly cared, and it showed. My year at Journal Space was wonderful. All in all.

But when I went back to look at the new Journal Space I saw the names of some of the members I really don't need to interact with anymore. And the loyalty to a domain name isn't there. It is visceral. I admit that. I don't want to loose the good friends, but I don't want to go back to censoring myself in my blog to avoid the issues with the less than good friends. I am having a cunundrum (sp?). I don't really know what I'll do. But I know I need to blog.

Not Sexy

It is interesting that as time goes by I am coming to the conclusion that I'm not sexy. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that in a bad way. But if you look at the way people react to you, interact with you. You slowly come to see how others see you. I am a nice guy. I am a regular, nice, smart guy. But I am not sexy. I am fun, and thoughtful. But I am not sexy.

At times that's a hard realization. But I think its for the best. I suspect it is a better place to be these days. Simplier, for sure.

Nibbly Bits

So, this weekend it is going to be like 70 here. I do wish we'd get a bit of rain this winter, but I can't complain about the temperature. But I'm sitting here nude after hopping out of the hot tub wondering whether its all worth it. I mean I worked hard to put this place together. I have great kids. I have stuck it out so long. I can go out on a Friday afternoon for a soak and a beer. But is it really worth it? I know I can't just chuck it all. But I know by staying I am just putting off the inevitable. And the nibbly bits aren't getting any younger. Its hard to be so undecided. There is no right answer. One way I can stay and enjoy the fruits of my labors. I can pretend all is good. The other way I can get out and the nibbly bits can get a bit more of a work out. Or I can stay and still get the nibbly bits a play mate. I think I spend too much time thinking. Not enough time enjoying. Like today. A half day of work, then up to the boat to pick up some papers, and while I was there I got the boat out for a bit. A bit of sun, a bit of breeze. But I was alone on the boat. I would have loved a bit of company. Then home here. Gorgeous day. Off came the clothes, out to the hot tub. Relaxing. Nice to have company there too. And now in here. Quiet. All alone. Alone is not good for the soul. Well, not alone alone. More like alone by myself. I have friends and family. I have kids. My wife is alone alone. I think she is regretting the walls she has built. But I'm still not satisfied with where this is. We had another talk. Another talk. Another talk. It just seems like talking is so cheap. But actions are so permenant. So, what's to do? I don't know. But I know I will enjoy a day like today. I feel good about that.

Journal Space Disaster

I did not do this, Jodi did. And she is freakin' brilliant. But in case you haven't seen it, go, now, laugh your ass off, then cry about the demise of Journal Space

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=fIMNZOU46Uc

Weather

I have no clue how to embed stuff here yet, but for my friends in the snow belt I thought you might get a kick out of this.

http://www.dogwork.com/dogsnow/

Argh

So, we had our "date" to talk. Disappointing. It was avoidance, denial, and reinventing history. But I was not about to get into another big fight about the same old stuff. So, I listened as much as I could. There are a lot of things whilling around in her head. And not a whole lot of them are connected. She seems to have forgotten almost everything she doesn't want to remember. Invented things to fill in the gaps. She tells me things and then contridicts herself in the next sentence. Her interpretation of me, and what I'm about, and what I say is abstract, at best. Its just like the "meatloaf" fight all over again. But we didn't fight. I had a crappy day yesterday, and it would have been easy to fight, but I just didn't want to go there. But we still have way way too much stuff to resolve. And its not getting resolved.

What's in a dream?

Over the holidays I has a series of weird dream. Seeing people I know in odd settings. Odd situations. Who knows was I was eating before bed. This morning my wife was in a foul mood. OK. What's up?

She had a nightmare. She came home and found me cooking, in the nude. And there were seven women in various states of undress in the kitchen with me. When she entered they all descended on her to tell her what a fool she is. She doesn't like being called a fool.

So, was I supposed to appologies for being nude in a dream with seven semi-nude women?

The saga continues

Just another weekend, with another plowing of the same ground. Same outcome. And yet she was surprised. She thought things were so much better. The more she can ignore the issues the happier she is, and the more surprised she is that I'm not happy. So, we left things in that same space. We have a "date" to talk tomorrow night. This morning she said she was committed to working things out. I think what that means is she is committed to standing her ground no matter what.

Holiday Update

Well, even though all of the folks I see following this blog have read me before, here's a 30 second intro. I have a 50% holding in a really crappy marriage. Not that she is such a bad person, but she got a really raw deal, and seems to feel it is A-OK to take that out of both me and the two kids we have. We have done the councilling thing without success, I struggle with the best path forward, I find when I blog I use a different way of thinking so it helps me see things I wouldn't otherwise consider. I blog for me. And so, sometimes I say stuff in my blog that won't make sense to anyone but me. I really appreciate the feed back from comments or messages, especially if I have missed something. Everyone can bring something to the debate. I don't think there are magic answers, or fairy tale endings. We all struggle, the difference is if we do it alone, or in the company of friends.

So, the holidays are always hard. My wife lost her mom to a stroke two years ago, and at times like this it really brings out her lonliness. She is not really close to anyone in her family, the girls got together at the holidays just because of mom. And now, with mom gone, the family is fading away. My family, by contrast, is always together. It actually creates a different tension with my wife since she can't control what they do. And that is really tough. My mom bought a birthday party at a local fire house for my daughter, she turns nine in two weeks. But about the party, my mom had requested that the kid they outbid for the party be allowed to come see the firehouse, and that my son and his cousin could come too. But then, my wife felt those weren't reasonable requests, that she should be the one who decides who comes to the party, and who doesn't. Of course she couldn't actually talk to my mom about it, so I found her getting my daughter on the phone to my mom to talk this out. OK, weird. It all worked out, but we didn't have to go through these gyrations.

And one other thing. Remember the discussion I had with her about taking the kids with me, if I did leave? Well, I think that made a huge impression. We had another crazy business blow out a couple days ago. Ready for this. I like leaving the digital picture frame on upstairs showing pictures from vacations. I like stopping and watching it for a second. She kept unplugging it. When I asked her to just leave it alone she detonated. It was crazy ville. I got lectured about not being "green" enough, wasting energy. I got nailed with wanting to be just like my mom since she keeps hers on too. She wanted to trade letting me leave it on in exchange for not putting fat from the ground beef down the sink. This was not a normal discussion. So, I got up and left. I took the old car out for a drive. And got pulled over by the sherriff because the registration was out of date. When my wife got some money from her inheritance she decided she really wanted to get that car running again. Her first nice car. A BMW convertible. But the engine had troubles. She decided she wanted to get it fixed and just spent a boat load of money on a new engine. We got the thing smog checked and she says she sent in the paper work for the registration. But I'm not convinced she did. The registration is due in February. I think she decided we could drive it unreqistered until February when we'd have to renew the paperwork. But I don't think she'd ever admit that. Anyway, the sherriff was cool, he could see we had done the smog so he believed we had started the process and the state had just messed up. And yes, it is very possible that she did send in the registration and the state messed up. So, when I got home I found she had sent me email appologising for the craziness. We did some talking. But not about all the craziness. She asked if I would consider sleeping in her bed that night, which I did, and yes, we even had sex in the morning. (First time in 18 months) And, as expected, she thought that signalled all was forgiven. When I asked that we talk about the other stuff, the friends, the control, the isolation, etc., she clammed up. She wasn't ready to talk about that. All she wants is the appearance back. She wants to look happy. Last night she asked me back to the bed and I declinded. I told her I just didn't feel right doing that until we got some of this stuff worked out. I am not going back to the way things were. And she knows that. Or, at least she should know it. We'll see.

On a brighter note, good to see you all. Happy New Year to everyone. I think I only lost a few months of my journal when JS melted down. And it wasn't really memorable stuff to start with. But maybe it will teach me to be sure to save a copy. No telling how long this site will be around.

Another JournalSpace Refugee

I was at JS for a bit more than a year, and had backed up about 3/4 of my blog. I am very sad I lost that space. But I would be far sadder if I lost the friends I made there. I know a lot have wandered over here, so I hope to find them, or they can find me. Hope all is well with all of you in this new year. Take care, and keep smiling